1. Glittery Uggs. When debating whether to buy or wear a pair, consider one simple question: Are you 13? If yes, proceed with caution. Otherwise, pass it up in pursuit of something mature. To those wearing their glittery atrocities above 13: give them away. Consider it charity. Not only are numerous 13-year-olds benefitting from your donation, but you will also instantly gain 10 fashion points from yours truly. Seriously, 10 points! The world will thank you and your future generations will be less likely to make fun of your past styles.
2. Expensive Nails. Detailed nails are the crux of high fashion. While being absolutely gorgeous and intricate, nails are the most transitory accessory in the female handbook. Before the post-manicure glow has had time to wear off, the design has chipped and the diamonds have fallen to the salon floor. All this occurs seconds after spending a fortune on the next chic design. Other tragedies include computer keyboards and iPhone screens. If the poor plastics complete the day, then they must exist with fear of the next style forcing them into the obsolete corner of the Walmart cosmetic section. In short, they never last.
3. High-Waisted Jeans. When considering seductive silhouettes, the muffin top rarely grosses the majority of votes for favorites. High-waisted jeans, while elongating, also show off love handles in a decidedly unattractive way. In addition to displaying love handles, they also squish all of that natural stomach into the pelvic area. Awkward. Our beautiful, youthful, confident bodies are meant to be flaunted instead of being subjected to the latest unnatural body shape. Please, for the sake of the stomach, let’s bring the low waisted jeans back.
4. Ear Cuffs. This is a classic case of conflict. Long hair getting caught in your kinky cuff is never pleasant. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love long hair and I love ear cuffs. I also have both. But unfortunately, like Rihanna and Joan Rivers, long hair and ear cuffs simply do not get along. Grandma was right with her horror stories of torn earlobes. Solution: one or the other.
5. Red Lipstick. Vampires are out of style. We thought vampires were restricted to the costumes of children in grade school but, coming soon this fall, is a whole new breed of girls whose lipstick is simply dripping from their formerly red faces. And, while super cute when it works, this style must stick to the pages of edited magazines or forever terrify all of the hot werewolf men.
6. Large Sweaters. I love marshmallows. However, there should be a line drawn between the consuming and appearing as a marshmallow. On the skinny chicks, the baggy sweaters hang and obscure any curves or bone structure. Meanwhile, on the normal-sized girls, large sweaters, like the camera, add 10 pounds. That is 10 pounds more than anyone needs. Like I said, marshmallows are delicious but save the costume for Halloween.
7. Leg Warmers. Ever since boots reentered the fashion world, they have been accompanied with their trusty side-kick leg warmers. Originally, these footless socks premiered in ballet studios. Since then they have made appearances in Jane Fonda’s 1980’s exercise videos which your mother watched. Despite this scarring history they are quickly debuting as a reasonably normal accessory—except for the occasions when paired with sneakers. Just do not go there. But besides this faux pas, the true reason for their notoriety in fall fashion is their tendency to fall down. Similar to the aforementioned red lipstick, leg warmers rarely maintain their proper stylish location. If you can manage to forget their past history in ballet and fitness studios, then bear in mind this simple reality: the bend-and-snap is far sexier when grabbing an errant pen than when adjusting delinquent leg warmers.
8. Beanies. There is nothing sexier than a hair flip. An effective flip can make a man weak in the knees while boosting your own confidence far above the crappy morning which forced you to cover your tresses. But, while a beanie maintains its status as the best way to manage wayward hair, it epically fails each time it slides from your head. Let’s face it: beanies never stay. Not only do they not stay, but they also prevent the hair flip. Major downer. This is why beanies are one of the worst fall trends.
9. Winged Eyeliner. Eye make-up is like a buffet. You can never try enough. Endless combinations of eye shadow and eye liner result in countless wasted hours of baited breath. Paramount in these endeavors is the struggle to match the wings of winged eyeliner. It is simply impossible to match them without a master’s degree in patience. And, while on a college schedule nobody has enough time or patience to ensure their eye makeup matches in time for those 8am classes. It is a supremely rough life.
10. Alex & Ani Bangles. A new spin on an old accessory does not permit an astronomical price tag. These bangles are cute, personal, and a great Valentine’s Day gift. However, before you rush to the website or the nearest store, consider the cons. Although adorable in some respect, these glorified bracelets are loud, expensive, and bandwagon. Relative to their difficulty to make, the price for these is insane. As women, we are supposed to be decently creative and for this well-known reason, the paramount recommendation is to invest your hard-earned dollars into wire-cutters, wire, and pendants. One YouTube video later and hundreds of dollars have been saved. Try it.