An Open letter to the boy who broke me.
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I never thought I would be writing this while thinking of you. I loved you. In fact, I still love you. We fit together like peanut butter and jelly. There was no doubt in my mind that we had a future together. I always thought it was going to be what we dreamed of, a wonderful future, though I guess our dreams were full of hidden scenes of what my nightmares consisted of. You were the one I saw myself with forever.
You made me incredibly happy. I looked forward to every day. It was another day growing with you, another day loving you. When we spent time together, it was some of the happiest times of my life. You made my life happy. You were the part of my life I thought I was missing. You showed me what love was. We had our life planned out. Graduate school, get married, move somewhere far away from Pennsylvania, travel, and live happily together. Everyone seemed happy for us. I loved knowing I would not have to go on any first awkward dates anymore, I found the person I was living my life with. You made me feel alive and “showed” me endless love.
I don’t know why you did what you did. I don’t know if I wasn’t enough. I don’t know if you didn’t love me anymore. Either way, you left me on the floor crumbled in pieces. I knew you changed me. I just thought you changed me into a happier person. You changed me into some monster I didn’t even know I could become. Before you, I never thought a person could feel so low. Everyday was a struggle and still is a struggle. I’m still a little more moody than normal. It still hurts to hear our songs. It hurts to go to places we once went. It still hurts.
After laying on the bathroom floor, feeling lifeless, crying endlessly day in and day out, wondering what I did wrong to make you want someone else, wondering why I’m not enough, wondering what’s wrong with me, I still wanted you. You still made me want you. I cried to strangers. I felt so low I just wanted to run from everything I have ever known. How is it possible, to be so broke that you feel numb from the world, but still run back to the person who made you feel like that way?
You definitely showed me what love was. You showed me that love was not what you gave me. Love was much more. You showed me to have faith, because if this wasn’t true love and I was that happy, imagine how happy I’m going to be when I meet the right one.
You may have broken me, but I still look forward to every day. It’s another day feeling myself grow to be a better person, another day getting happier. I can’t thank you enough for breaking me. I leaned too much on you. I relied on you to make me happy, to make me feel content with life. I was wrong for doing that. I know now that I need to make myself happy. I have to make myself feel content with my life. It’s going to take me a while to remember 24/7 that this is what’s best for me. But when I do, life is going to feel full again. I will soon feel full without you. Thank you for breaking me.