As Hoosier ladies we have a need to impress, and we’re pretty damn good at it. We take pulls of Karkov at 7 a.m. during tailgate (our livers will thank us later). We dress like we’re hitting the Vegas strip on a 20 degree January night. We can recite the words to “This is Indiana” in our sleep. We are able to hold back our roomie’s hair while simultaneously chugging an AMF.
Basically we are women of many talents.
In the quest to charm our male counterparts, we sometimes have a tendency to stretch the truth. Be it with our boyfriend, guy friend, or new found 2 a.m. “friend,” some of the stuff that comes out of our mouth is absolute bull. No girl is exempt from telling these white lies. From the classroom to the bedroom, these falsities spill out of our mouth faster than the aftermath of that hung over Waffle House meal.
Truth is, we don’t always tell the truth. So ladies, know you’re not alone. Grab some cheap wine and enjoy this look into our favorite fabrications. To the boys reading this, consider yourself enlightened.
“I never do this”- The scene: You and your man of the hour are dancing upstairs at Sports (or grimy frat basement XYZ, whatever). Right as you begin to make out you utter the famous “I never do this.” First of all honey, you’re on the infamous Sports dancefloor, clearly you’ve done this before. Second of all your cleavage bearing, hoo-hah showing dress begs to differ with your claim. You do this, and you do this every Thursday through Sunday after that magical fifth tequila shot. Why do we say this? Why give this sweaty guy an unnecessary ego boost? Plus why be ashamed? Well maybe because it just sounds better than, “after enough to drink I always throw on my beer goggles and hook up with some rando my roomies will make fun of me for. What’s your name again?” This line is often followed by, but not to be confused with...
“I’m not like other girls.”- Yes, yes you are. We are all the same. We all drink wine and cry to Adele. We all analyze every single text sent to us. We all have both Pizza X and Jimmy John’s favorited in our phones. You, my friend, are just like other girls. Think of it this way, when Douchebag Dave tells you “I’m not like other guys” you laugh and give him the “whatever you say” smirk. Ladies, us saying this to a dude is about as believable as it is coming from our favorite dbag. Truth be told, if you need to tell a guy how unique you are, he probably doesn’t believe it. Let a guy figure out for himself what makes you distinct. Don’t worry, he doesn’t have to discover your tendency to get drunk and watch “Toddlers and Tiaras.”
“I’ll be ready in five.”- My personal fave. From a date to a pledge ride, guys have become far too used to this line. Boys, as a general rule add about 30 minutes (an hour if it’s a weekend night) to whatever time the lady says. For some reason “five” seems to be our go to time increment. In reality it takes us about five minutes just to put on our skinny jeans. This quote is along the lines of “leaving my house now” (after the Sex and the City marathon is over) and “on my way” (to the couch). Trust me boys, you don’t want to know what we’d look like if we actually got ready in five, which leads me to our next little lie...
“I don’t wear makeup.”- Ladies, ladies, ladies, as we all know the “natural look” is far from no makeup. Just because you aren’t rocking the eighth grade raccoon eye look doesn’t mean you’re not wearing makeup. If you can wipe it off, it’s makeup. Concealer, mascara, bronzer, eye shadow, lip-liner, eyeliner, something-liner, it’s all makeup! The evidence lies in (and smeared all over) your hook up's pillow case. Plus let’s be real, no one is born with glitter on their eyelids and a blemish free face.
“I’m one of the guys.”- Girls: bottom line, if you wear a bra, you’re not a bro. Us ladies will do whatever it takes to prove we are one of the guys. Truth is, few girls would pick discussing the hotness of Scarlett Johansson over saki bombing with the crew. Congrats you know what a touchdown is! Your football knowledge is probably comparable to that of a NFL replacement ref. Now granted some girls do actually like sports, but these generally aren’t the girls announcing it to the world. He has his dudes, and you are not one of them. In the same way that you’re not going to invite him to mani-pedi night, chances are he’s not going to call you up to play the latest edition of FIFA.
“I’m a chill drunk.”- This goes along the lines of “I can hold my liquor” “I’m a heavy weight” etc. For some odd reason we try to convince guys we are these macho drinkers. Reality is we are a hot mess for about 72 hours of every week. We attempt to dance, cry our eyes out, and crack our iPhones...real chill. A double vodka redbull is not going to make anyone a “relaxed drunk.” Obviously you wouldn't tell a guy that you’re a batsh*t crazy drunk. However convincing him that because your great grandmother is Russian you can handle all of that vodka probably won’t end well for either of you. Guys think of college girls and liquor as a lethal combination, so let him expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised. Word to the wise, unless a guy is under 100 pounds (or a freshman), NEVER go “shot for shot.” You will lose, and you will embarrass yourself.
"I’m not hungry."- You know you want that piece of cheesy bread. You haven’t eaten anything since that Lean Cuisine hours ago. Oh wait, there are males present so suddenly you “aren’t hungry.” Or maybe you went on a date with an empty stomach, but you’re soooo full that a side caesar salad is the only appetizing option. Why we lie to men about our hunger I will never know. Men love food, we love food, its a perfect bonding opportunity. We all need a man that we’re not afraid to eat some Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked with.
"My friends love you."- Lies. Chances are your friends hate him because all they do is here you bitch about him. Think about it...your friends are your go-to girls for all of your pointless boy problems. Either they actually dislike him, or they have come to hate the poor kid because they’re so sick of you complaining every time he takes 15 minutes to text back. Unless he has a plethora of beautiful, single buddies, your friends could probably care less about the guy.
So there we have it ladies, our favorite little falsities we have become accustomed to using. When you find a guy who can accept all (or like 99%) of the truth know that he’s a keeper. Until then remember, lying is always wrong, unless it means free drinks. (I kid, I kid!)
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