About a year and a half ago I started going to therapy for things I just didn’t understand. Why was I always short of breath? Why would my brain just hush for five minutes and let me enjoy whatever it was I was trying to do? Why was I suddenly clinging to my relationships? After sessions of going back and forth on overthinking the smallest of things my therapist told me that I suffered from anxiety. Shortly after this session, I had a panic attack, something I had not experienced in years and never knew what to call. That night I went to the hospital and woke up single. After that night I told myself I would never lose a relationship to my anxiety again, and worked on loving myself so I could grow to love another person.
As I write these words I find myself in a very similar situation: my relationship is hanging by a thread thanks to an emotional down-swell I couldn’t see coming and much less did my partner. Although he had experienced panic attacks, moments of heightened anxiety and long, depressive mornings he had never seen me in such a dark state for more than a couple of days. I have been going through – what I like to call a funk – for two months now and we were both scared that I had lost sight of who I was and what is important to me.
Through these two months, I forgot that whatever happened to me affects him, something anyone with anxiety forgets when we’re out of tune with ourselves. I did not realize that every time I shot him down for helping me or his attention did make me feel better he thought it was making whatever I was feeling worse. What he didn’t understand was that this was going to take time, what I didn’t understand was that he was doing his best to work with something he knew so little about. Eight weeks of miscommunication can take a toll on a relationship, and it did. He was on the brink of ending things became he was overwhelmed and he thought it would be better for me in the long run to have someone that didn’t hold me down. He also knew that telling me would make things worse. So he didn’t. I found out because he fell asleep one night, phone in hand, unlocked. The messages on the screen broke me. They were to his best friend, talking about how he just didn’t want to take care of me anymore.
In the moment I could not help but think that he was being selfish but in hindsight, those what those words were really saying was that he missed me, he missed the independent woman that he fell in love with and that taking care of me was becoming harder and harder. I know this because I talked to him about it; because I realized that even if my anxiety is a part of me it’s not me. It’s a monster in the pit of my stomach who doesn’t want me to be happy. I wasn’t going to let it consume me again and break one of the most special relationships in my life.
My anxiety is inconsiderate, selfish and insecure. I am not.
It’s only been a few days since I saw the messages, since he and I talked, and I still feel scared and frustrated. Scared of losing him and frustrated at myself for not realizing that I am no longer alone in this. This is someone I want to spend my life with, and what happens to me affects him, and it’s my responsibility to take care of myself so I can take care of him, of us, and he knows he has to do the same. Self-love goes a long way, and sometimes I forget that because he gives me so much of that love and support, but no more.
I want to take this time to break my narrative and talk to someone special:
Thank you, you who taught me something about myself I did not know I needed to learn. You taught me that I can’t keep taking from you to make me feel better, I did not even realize I was doing it. You made me realize that I was allowing myself to be in a place that I honestly hate, I usually bounce back so fast – I know enough about my body and my mind to do so. But for some reason, I got comfortable in my anxiety and I cannot thank you enough for snapping me back out of it. To be honest, this lesson plan has just been presented to me, and as I work through the material I know I’ll have your support and a guiding hand, but I also know that I’m the one taking steps forward, one by one.
I also know that you can handle my anxiety and my panic attacks and that I can trust you with my thoughts, it’s just nor fair when you have to carry the weight on your own especially when I become heavier and heavier. Thank you for reminding me that I am fully capable of saving myself.
And for all of you out there whose significant others suffer from anxiety or depression, know that we hate putting this weight on you and that if we do it’s not unpurpose. Tell us when we are, don’t let it boil. It doesn’t work if we’re both miserable.
For those who suffer from anxiety and depression and are in a relationship, if your partner doesn’t feel overwhelmed at times then they might not care as much you think. The same way they have to be patient with us, we have to be patient with them.