I am in a toxic relationship and it is not with a partner, it is not with my sister or brother and it is not with my mom or dad. I am ending my 19 year long relationship with my impending need for food. Everyday I work to become a better adaption of me. In fact, we all work to become better versions of ourselves every day.
I know how this sounds and you are completely right. Most people will wonder if this is your typical and generic “get fit” article. I want this to relay something much different. I want it to highlight insecurity, touch upon the behaviors we take part in surrounding adversity, and when it comes to consuming, how we all tend to fill a void or emptiness with passive decisions.
Five years ago, I said I wanted to be skinnier. Now, I am still saying the same thing. What was the disconnect? Why didn’t I follow through with this goal? Why was I so passive? We allow ourselves to become apathetic in terms of our long term goals. Once we say, “It will happen one day,” or place our goals simply reliant on our future, we must know that it will never happen. Long term commitments are terrifying.
It feels like it was just yesterday when I took my drivers test for the first time, when I received my high school diploma and when I moved into the dorms for the first time. Yesterday we grew up a little more than the day before. So much can change in short periods of time. However, with every five years, a flourished new you will develop, if you are active about it.
So, where do I want to be in five years?
This line is what I’ve said to myself time and time again.
Whether your struggle has been with weight-loss, school, stress, anxiety, friendship, or bullying, deep within our hearts remains this pool of insecurity.
Insecurity does not discriminate and it could stem from anything. One may be insecure about their work ethic. Did you really give it your all for that project? Were you deserving of that grade? In truth, you might have given it your all, but then you begin to think, you could have pushed yourself harder. You could have done things differently. You could have challenged yourself and failed. However, remember that failing wouldn’t have mattered if you had given it your all.
One may be insecure about who they are and where their purpose is in life. At such an early age, we are told to make an impact. We are almost pressured to dream high and think big because we we were told we can accomplish anything we want in this world. It is this sense of entitlement within each of us that we are deserving, and yet we must be willing to work hard for this impact to succeed. We all have insecurities. You know one of mine. And trust me, we all have many.
I said it first at 13, after years of torment and ridicule. I then said it again every year after and soon had the same thought at 16. Each time I would be trying anything to finally become this better version of me. What this better version was? I had no idea. Was it to be loved by my friends? To be pretty, beautiful, and have all the latest fashion? To be well liked by all? I still deal with all of these as I’m sure you do too. I’m pretty sure we are going to have to deal with this for a lifetime. As much as I was confident in who I was and what I thought I wanted, lying underneath still remains my own internal struggle, but that is life. It is okay. We must live.
In a midst of all of our worries, reveals this exalted version of ourselves that we have envisioned for so long. There, across the mirror, after years of saying what I was going to do, stands a girl who had accomplished a lot mentally, socially, academically, but determined that her worth was so little. Underneath what we think we need and whom we think we should be encapsulates us all. We are not our insecurities. We are human. We are complex.
Again, I said the same thing at 18.
Where do I want to be in five years?
Challenges and insecurities face us and stay for long periods of time. I ask you all this question because it is prevalent to our lives every second of every single day. We must never stop bettering ourselves or challenging who we are. That is why I am here telling you that, today, no different than the rest, I am trying to better myself. That does not mean we all do not fail. It doesn’t mean we all do not cheat sometimes. I’m trying to reach that goal. I am going to make that impact. We can never stop trying.
Within all of us lies self-doubt, uncertainty, and hesitation. We must take insecurity and accept that not everything will work out in our favor. We must accept that there lies within all of us untapped potential and unimaginable possibility. With the strip of grass that is insecurity lies an entire football field of wondrous experiences that encompass your life. There are successes and joys, but we must forget asking ourselves the same question.
Stop asking, “Where do you want to be in five years?”
Start answering, “Where WILL I be in five years?”
There is our problem. This is the disconnect. Wanting something is completely different than working for it or setting smaller goals in order to achieve that long term commitment. I can’t offer many solutions or answers. After all, I have so much more to life to experience. I am aware of my insecurities. We are all aware of the things that challenge us. Ask yourself, “Where WILL I be in five years?” and see how that alters your perspective to embark on your self journey.