I felt empty when you left. Vacant. Petrified. And well… worthless.
There I said it. Is that what you wanted? And now that some time has passed, I’ve learned to cope with the emptiness you left me with.
Over the course of the time I’ve had to wallow in my self-hatred and defeat, I felt that it’d be best to create a list of everything I couldn’t say to you, but now wish that I had the chance to.
I hope that you see this some day and maybe, just maybe, change the way you “love” somebody.
You didn’t love me when…
You continuously lied to my face.
You didn’t love me when…
I was really sick and told me, “Stop acting like such a baby.”
You didn’t love me when…
You chimed in with everyone when they said I had a big forehead or that I looked like a horse.
You didn’t love me when…
You told me I didn’t have much of an a**, or tits for that matter.
You didn’t love me when…
You grabbed onto my love handles after I told you to “stop” God knows how many times, all while knowing how self-conscious I was about my weight.
You didn’t love me when…
You called me a pu**y because I couldn’t work out with you, even though I had two surgeries on both of my legs.
You didn’t love me when…
You ran and told all of your friends that I was “finally putting out.”
You didn’t love me when…
You secretly videotaped our first time having sex without my consent or consciousness of it, just to prove to your friends that we “did it.”
You didn’t love me when…
The doctor told me we couldn’t have sex for two months due to alarming health concerns, and you said, “Well, this really sucks for me.”
You didn’t love me when…
You continuously chose getting blackout drunk or smoking weed with your friends over me.
You didn’t love me when…
You kept checking out our waitress on our one-year anniversary dinner date.
You didn’t love me when…
I looked in the mirror in embarrassment while saying, “Wow, I look like crap without makeup on” and didn’t assure me that you thought otherwise.
You didn’t love me when…
You withheld and deleted those texts from that girl who constantly tried tearing us apart.
You didn’t love me when…
You were utterly okay with your friends disrespecting me.
You didn’t love me when…
You made ME pay for EVERY single breakfast, lunch, or dinner date we ever went on.
You didn’t love me when…
I confided in you about all of the guys that damaged me and used that to fuel your fire in treating me so much worse.
You didn’t love me when…
You made me think that you were different.
You didn’t love me when…
You ended everything through that drunken text message.
And most importantly, you really didn’t love me when…
You cheated on me.
You threw that word around like it was nothing to you- bare and meaningless.
The word “love” that you used so frequently was just a phrase used to fill in our awkward silences, or perhaps breaths between kisses. I recall times where you even argued with me, “No, I love you more!”
These arguments would carry over to the next day, the days after that, and all the way up until the day you let me go.
Maybe you lost interest, or found someone else worth loving? I still don’t have many answers. But I do have the answer to one thing though, and that is that you may have “loved” me then, but I can only hope that the next girl you fall in love with is not “loved” in the same way that you “loved” me.
That’s not love. In fact, it is far from it.