Faster than the turkey can say, “Et tu, Emily”, I imagine myself happily eating his leg with a side of gravy and mashed taters. For generations the American tradition has been to feast and fill our bodies until we are physically unable to consume anything more on this great national holiday. Many can tell you how to cook or what to make for your Thanksgiving meal, but seldom do they tell you how to prepare for the buckets of glorious home cooked food you’re about to eat in the very near future. Have no worry or doubt in your head, let me guide you through this magical time.
In the waking hours of Thanksgiving Eve, set your outfit for tomorrow. Incase you decide to wear pants that require a belt buckle, listen to me now: don’t do this horror to yourself. No one can endure the seemingly uncomfortable feeling the pressure of which your stomach forces onto the fabric you call your “lucky jeans.” You are going to consume mass amounts of food and your body must not be restricted.
Rather, take out your best T-Shirt dress or flowing skirt to allow for the maximization of area intake and rear access. Trust me, you will be needing an easy out while you politely ask to be excused for the restroom. Once you have decided your wardrobe for the friendly Thanksgiving festivities, you are set until the moment of truth, meal time preparation.
Your mom has just slaved hours of cooking for you and your moment with this meal. Do not do anything to upset or damage the power of her green been casserole. This is crucial, especially for the avoidance of food poisoning. No disrespect, no attitude, none of it. You must allow your family the time to prepare for this meal and with that is giving your mom or dad the pleasure of cooking for you.
Allow yourself to have the biggest glass at the table. Fill your glass with water or which ever beverage of your choosing. The larger the glass size means less time spent refilling and more on devouring that sweet piece of cornbread.
While you take your seat at the dinner table graciously thank all those you are sitting near. Act as if you care about anything more than the food you’re about to plow your face with. This will come in handy when the last turkey leg comes up for grabs. Aunt Ginger will likely give you the leg because of how “sweet” or “endearing” you’ve been all meal.
You are sitting and you have placed every helping of stuffing, casserole, vegetable, and carb on your plate as possible. You have meticulously rearranged each ingredient so that none are touching. For those that don’t care, their meal will be the equivalent to a slop of goodness similar to that of your home pet, but for those that do, your plate will look exquisitely separated.
Even though I clearly said earlier to NOT wear jeans, if you do, this is where you will allow yourself to prepare to loosen that buckle and zipper. The feast has begun and you have enjoyed the best of what’s to come for the day. Your first bite should be small, so that later on you may allow yourself to build up. Like that of exercising, one must not just start out full on. You must build up to the pace of eating copious amounts of food. After you have given yourself enough time to build up to the secular rankings of gorging the amount on your spoon or fork, the rest is up you.
Following the meal, it is important that you change right away into comfy clothes, preferably your grandest sweatpants and best overly sized sweatshirt. This will allow your body the functioning process to breath and absorb what has just been consumed. You will begin to experience a euphoria building within your mind, remember this feeling will not last forever, and thus you must eat desert to prolong this mental state.
Take a cookie or two and a slice of pie. This is integral to your fulfilling Thanksgiving meal. You are going to instantly want to nap and knock out wherever deemed sufficient; I mind you to not do this. Once a man fell to the ground and dropped his cake in the need to nap. Rest in peace to his cake. No food should go left untouched or for that matter, dropped into the depths of an accidental falling. Please, please just finish your cake.
Once dessert has been supplied and delivered you are free at last to go. You may go to your room, take part in discussions with family, or simply go over the meal in your head one last time.
Congratulations, you now fully know how to prepare for your Thanksgiving feast. I ask that you all take Thanksgiving with caution and do so in the right and just matter. Eat your meal proudly, happily, and most importantly, with huge mounds of it stacked onto your plate. Happy Thanksgiving to you all.