Here is the first edition of HerCampus ISU’s new “Bro-Spective” blog, a blog for girls and guys written by some of our favorite men at ISU! This first one is your very own how-to guide to fitting in with the cool kids downtown, written by the infamous Campus Cutie Bill Conrad. Enjoy!
What follows in the rest of this article are some basic tips something I know all too well about: how to be hip and fit in with the cool kid’s downtown. What are my credentials you may ask? Well let me tell you: I once danced with an actual girl downtown. I’ve also been called a connoisseur of fine plastic-bottled vodkas. And on top of that I’m 6’3” male with a V-neck to crew shirt ratio that is off the charts. So all in all I could pretty much write a book about this stuff.
To start with my advice, one must understand that our enlightened culture has evolved into making fun phrases that give us an excuse to drink every night of the week. Long gone are the days of the simple “Thirsty Thursdays”, instead we have given a whole new take on the weekdays with events such as #MondayNightChasers, “Sunday Funday” or “Tuesday Boozeday”. The only problem I foresee with going to a fine establishment such as Chasers on a Monday is that they forget to advertise the free feeling of shame you get the next morning after downing eight or nine vodka Redbulls the night before. Yes, I definitely think that waking up with a case of the booze blues and not remembering anything is exactly how our parents imagine us starting off our Tuesday mornings. One might think that drinking six or seven nights a week could prove detrimental to their health and/or grades, but just remember that succumbing to peer pressure is always the most fun route to take. Plus, I’m sure by the time my liver/kidneys give out someone from U of I will have already developed a cure anyways. Everyone has heard the phrase “C’s get degrees” and in my opinion any GPA higher than that will just make you come off as an overachieving snob to any future employer that might have the pleasure of funding your alcoholism into post graduate life.
But back to the topic of looking cool around your belligerent peers downtown; one of the most important things you need to do is to surround yourself with people that have a tendency to do as many stupid things as possible when they’re drunk. This way no matter how belligerent you get you can always count on not being the only one that ends up on one of the various ISU_Makeouts/Passouts/WhateverElseOuts social media accounts there are. Speaking of these various twitter accounts, a true friend will always make sure that you end up on one of these sites and if they’re a really loyal, they’ll never forget to tag you. This way hundreds of strangers will know how cool you are, and the opposite sex will be fighting for their chance to be next in line. I personally hope that the first time I kiss a girl I’ll have the good fortune of having someone I don’t know take a picture and upload it to these accounts that same night so I can relive the glory in the morning.
Now, after 11 or 12 drinks you may feel obligated to hit the dance floor. Before you get too nervous about not having the correct moves, keep in mind 2013’s definition of being a good dancer simply requires that you have the motor skills to both violently grind on someone you’ll *hopefully* never see again while simultaneously trying to spill only a minimal amount of your overpriced beverage. Our culture has already made such progression in the art of dancing that I feel it’ll only be a matter of time until dancing consists solely of full penetration in a public setting. In just a few short decades the dancing norm has changed from the “Jitterbug” to the “Full Body Make out Hug”, and I for one don’t hate it at all.
As for looking fresh downtown, the name of the game for both males and females is “Peacocking” yourself. For dudes this means V-necks are obviously a must (as deep as you can find them, mid torso preferably) and in order to make sure you stand out know that the more crosses, skulls, tigers, and dragons, the better. Pretty much just have a closet stacked full of Ed Hardy tees and you’ll be fine. Now for the ladies, remember that the more gaudy obnoxious jewelry you wear the more likely your chances of attracting the male species. If you don’t look like a cheap ballroom chandelier when you go out then know you’re doing it wrong.
Now after your evening of shenanigans the question arises of, what is the coolest way to get home? This is the one circumstance where using public transportation that is known as “the party bus”, is not only gnarly, but necessary. Sure you could call a DD or take a taxi, but by doing so you’re missing out on the opportunity to have a bigger audience to watch you either A. pass out or B. make a last ditch effort at desperately finding a person of the opposite sex to accompany you home. Besides, what better way could you imagine to spend the drunkest part of your evening other than being crammed into an old school bus with Ke$ha on repeat and a 15.32% chance of getting barfed on.
So now that you have these ground-breaking tips on how to be cool downtown, I recommend that you stay in this weekend with a box of wine and watch Dance Moms re-runs instead. It’s cheaper, and it’s a lot less likely that you’ll end up hating yourself the next morning.