As someone who identifies as queer, nothing drives me crazier than someone telling me that I should go back to dating girls when things don’t work out with guys.
Ok let me explain. For someone who is straight, suggesting that someone who is attracted to girls as well as guys try dating girls again probably doesn’t sound too harmless. Yet what many people fail to recognize is that being queer, bisexual, pansexual, or however you identify isn’t as simple as the media might portray.
I identify as queer, although for a long time I fell under the labels of bisexual or pansexual. I have dated girls in the past and I also date guys. I am sexually and emotionally attracted to many different gender identities yet for the last few years I have repeatedly dated straight cis-gendered males. I haven’t made this choice on purpose (at least not consciously) yet many people believe that bisexuality means that you have complete control of your equally divided sexuality.
That couldn’t be further from the truth. Sexuality is not an all or nothing deal and everyone (regardless of whether they identify as 100% straight or 100% gay) lies somewhere on what is known as the Kinsey scale. The Kinsey scale was developed in 1948 by Alfred Kinsey, and Biology professor and the founder of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University. The Kinsey scale measures someone’s sexual identity on a scale from 0, exclusively heterosexual- to 6, exclusively homosexual. It also accounts for asexual or non-identifying individuals. The biggest misconception of bisexual people is that they all fall somewhere around a 3, equally homosexual and heterosexual. But this couldn’t be further than the truth because someone’s sexuality is composed of some much more than genitals.
What the Kinsey scale fails to account for are all of the hidden idiosyncrasies that compile every individual’s unique sexuality. We all like different things from our sexual and romantic partners, and when you are attracted to more than one gender that attraction becomes even more complicated. For example, the men that I find most physically attractive are those who are tall, bearded, have an eclectic sense of style, and tattoos don’t hurt. I like a guy who is intellectual, artistic, and I don’t mind being treated like a princess every so often (who doesn’t?). But with girls, it’s a whole other ball game. Of course I am still attracted to the intellectual artsy girls but when it comes to being physically attracted to girls, I like girls with some edge and androgyny to them (Ruby Rose, Kristen Stewart, FKA Twigs, Grimes, come on I could do this forever). I don’t mind being the big spoon when I am with a cute girl (I am 5’9 after all) and I would love the chance to spoil a girl with flowers just because Tuesday is her busiest day of the week. But dating and sexuality isn’t just about what kind of person that you find attractive, it’s also about who you could see yourself being in a relationship with.
Realizing that sexuality is more than just sexual or emotional attraction, but a convoluted mess of complex feelings has taken some time and I am still trying to figure it out for myself. Back when I was younger, I was so confident with my bisexuality yet as I have gotten older and dated members of both sexes I have become more confused than when I was first recognizing those feelings. I have been in serious relationships with girls and guys and my past experiences have shaped what I am looking for in the future. I find myself unconsciously more drawn to men and building “straight” relationships is a lot easier at this point in my life. It has also been a few years that I have dated guys almost exclusively and going back to girls would be a big change. I am a much different person than I was back when I was in a relationship with a girl and my sexuality has evolved. But that doesn’t mean that I will never go back to girls. My sexuality was never a phase to be outgrown and I firmly believe that it is possible that I could go back to girls again in my lifetime.
It’s impossible to predict the next romantic relationship that we will have, because we most likely haven’t met them yet. If you had told me four months ago that I’d be seeing a 26-year-old Italian architect, I probably would have told you that you were out of your mind, but our love lives always have a way of surprising us. Who knows, in the future I could meet a girl who I fall head over heels for and I wouldn’t be “going back to girls” because things didn’t work out with guys, I’d be doing it because I liked this girl. Sexuality is so much more than gender, it is the people on the inside that we click with on emotional, physical, and spiritual levels. Even if I fall in love with a man for the rest of my life, that doesn’t mean I am not attracted to women anymore. A relationship doesn’t change someone’s sexuality and telling someone to choose one gender over the other isn’t going to fix all of the problems in their love life. Being in a relationship with a woman comes with a host of other issues, just look at Orange is the New Black or The L Word. Sexuality is complex and it is important for everyone (yes even you straight people) to remember that everyone’s sexuality is different and unique. It’s your sexuality, don’t let anyone put you in a box and most importantly, don’t let what they say keep you from loving who you love.