It’s raining in Helsinki and the sky is grey. I meet Hanna, whose wearing a bright red coat and smiling at me. We sit down for a cup of coffee and Hanna tells me her story, which is everything but grey.
No more hiding
Hanna* is a 23-year-old Arts student originally from Northern Finland, Tornio, and comes from a family of ten children. Last summer she told her parents she would be leaving the religious community in which she was raised in and came out as a gay at the same time. Hanna describes her summer as quite crazy: “I finally had the freedom to do whatever I wanted and I didn’t have to hide anything anymore. I was unbelievably happy and relieved, and I made a lot of new friends.”
During a big annual religious gathering in the summer, Hanna wrote in her Facebook that she hoped one day she would be able to take part in these gatherings as herself, freely and without fear. It was made clear to her, that this would never happen: “Many of the people in my community think being gay is a mistake or an illness. But does God really make mistakes?” Hanna doesn’t think so.
Nobody talked about homosexuality
Hanna came out to herself a few years ago. “I didn’t realise earlier that I had crushes on girls. I just thought I really really liked them. In my childhood homosexuality was an awkward subject that no one talked about. I didn’t want to talk about it myself, I didn’t even want to think about it at all.”
Hanna tells me how she felt during the spring before coming out. “I was a mess and felt really distressed. I kept hiding and kept my eyes shut. When I finally came out of the closet and left the religious community, I felt so relieved and my eyes were opened. I felt as if this whole time I had been carrying a huge rock that I was letting go of.”
Hanna’s friends were very supportive, but dealing with the situation has been harder for her family. Hanna explains that her family is the main reason why she postponed the decision to come out for so long. She didn’t want to make them sad, which is why she kept the show going on and lied to everybody. “I couldn’t admit to them that something was wrong.”
From Tornio to Helsinki
Hanna is originally from Tornio, but she moved to Helsinki two years ago and is now a second-year Arts student. “At first I thought I would never move to Helsinki, but now the city feels like home. Helsinki has become an important place for Hanna and she enjoys studying. She tells me that she has made friends with wonderful people, who don’t judge or define anybody. The school also teaches open conversation and thinking, which have helped Hanna out of her shell. A lot has changed.
“After the summer I have had to learn all over again who I am and what I want in life. People have come up to me spontaneously and told me I seem more balanced than before. I have been able to talk about things openly and even laugh about them now. The only thing that bothers me at the moment is that my family hasn’t been able to accept me yet.”
Freedom
Hanna underlines that living in a religious community wasn’t just horrible or just amazing, but that after she left it, she could think more freely about different things. “As a teenager I kind of went inside a shell and my life standing still for a while. I felt I couldn’t think. I also had a very low self-esteem and I was a little depressed all the time. Now my joy of life has come back and I’ve found new sides of myself.”
For Hanna, art is a way of dealing with her life and herself. “I also like to share what I’ve created. Sharing my own experiences through art means it’s not so much about me anymore. Personal is always political as well.” I ask Hanna what makes her feel happy and peaceful.
“I’ve got absolutely amazing friends who give me joy, strength, peace and whatever I need. Dancing is also such a joyful thing. And music in general.” One thing that makes Hanna especially happy today is her new girlfriend. “It’s so weird that there’s another person in my life now. I’m free to do what I want but at the same time I want to take her opinions and feelings into account.”
The importance of compassion
Hanna tells me how she has come to understand that the world truly needs a lot of compassion. Sometimes the simplest words have the greatest power. It’s enough when someone just listens. “It’s hard to admit your weakness. But it helps when you can get yourself to say that something really has been difficult for you.” Hanna describes her girlfriend as a very compassionate person, who has taught empathy to Hanna as well. “I’ve been hard on myself – very critical and not very compassionate. The same attitude reflected outside and I have hurt people in the past.”
You’re not alone
Hanna says, that if you’re feeling alone you should definitely find someone to talk to. “If there’s no one close to you that you can talk to, you can always talk to a professional helper. Internet forums can also be a great place to connect with people. You’ve got to be kind to yourself. Oftentimes people think they’re completely alone with their pain. I thought so myself. But you’re never alone. I was bullied at school and I didn’t always have a lot of friends. My experiences have made me the person I am now. You have to love yourself, to love others. It’s not being selfish because love only grows and spreads around. It’s been wonderful to discover that you also can learn to love.”
*Hanna’s name has been changed. Pictures used are not related to the people described.