Going home for the holidays can be (to put it gently), rough as hell. Unfortunately, we have to prep for the personal questions and attacks that are bound to come while your mouth is full of stuffing. To help give you a fighting chance, we put together a little study guide for you to emotionally prepare for this!
1. What are your plans for after college?
Well I have a general plan, which I will explain to you and you will ignore. Because I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen in the future, and I know you sure as hell don’t. Then after I say I’m open to many possibilities, you will impose your own opinions and belittle what I want to do with my life; so, I will just stand here and smile and nod until you stop talking and I can return to my life of not knowing every second of my future.
2. Are you dating anybody yet?
No I am not, why do you give a f*ck? Is your relationship so boring that you need to live vicariously through mine?
3. Why aren’t you dating?
I know my dating life really affects you, but when I think about committing myself to a relationship, I remember how much fun it is to be single and have relations with randos whenever I want. Also, I’m sorry, but please point me in the direction of this magical boyfriend factory you think seems to exist.
4. Do you just live on the beach?
No dumba*s, I live in an apartment.
5. How do you go to class in Hawai’i?
I usually drive and then just walk in. I know, the audacity! I go to class because I paid a ton of money for my education and want to finish college with a degree. It’s not that hard, any person with even the smallest bit of motivation and self control can take a few hours out of the day to go sit in an air conditioned classroom with Wifi.
6. Why don’t you visit home more?
Would you like to pay for my ticket home?….. Didn’t think so.
7. How’s school going?
What do you think? It’s hard! I have to study all the time and have teachers give me four midterms in one semester. Hello, a midterm is suppose to happen in the middle of the term, not four times throughout. On top of it, I somehow manage to go out every chance I get and make memories that far surpass yours.
8. How are your grades?
In what world is that information important to your life? Unless you’re my mom, that information is not something you should ever feel the need to ask about.
9. Your bathing suit choices are interesting (insert eye roll)?
Your clothing choices are interesting. If I’m comfortable in what I am wearing, it shouldn’t affect you.
10. Do you have a job?
Yes, I have two thank you very much. Next!
11. When do you graduate?
I am graduating on time in the Spring, when did you think I was graduating?
12. Do you like your roommate?
I love my roommate, despite all the gossip you may hear from the soccer moms you go to spin with. We get along great and are happy sharing our final college year together.
13. What’s your major again?
Being that I’ve told you this over a dozen times, I could really say anything at this point and you would believe me (then forget it tomorrow).
14. Do you miss home?
Obviously I miss home, I’m not an animal. I have feelings and I love and miss my home. Doesn’t mean I’m going to broadcast it to the world or think about it 24/7.
15. Why are you cold right now?
Because I have lived in a tropical climate for the last few years… Ever heard of acclimation?
16. Why aren’t you tanner?
I don’t just lay on the beach all day. I have other things going on in my life, have you been listening?!
17. Do you see famous surfers every day?
No, I don’t. Do you even know any famous surfers names? That’s like asking a person from California if they see famous people all the time.
18. Do you go to the beach everyday?
NO, what do you think my life is here? I do have school, work, clubs, and internships to focus on (not to mention a social life every now and then).
19. Do you speak Hawaiian now?
Do you speak another language just because other people around you may speak it? Do you know how hard of a language like Hawaiian is to learn? No, I am not studying Hawaiian and NO people don’t just go around speaking in Hawaiian. Don’t be a culturally insensitive prick.
20. Are you excited to move back in with your family? They’ve missed you so much!
I love my mom, don’t get me wrong, but living an independent life has been too good to give up now. Maybe for a bit, but get me the hell out of there with my sanity intact!
Cover Image courtesy of https://www.gunaxin.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Rockwell-Thanksgiving…