We’ve all been there; after a bad fight with a friend, family member, or SO you can’t stop checking your phone. Things got a little out of hand, voices were raised, insults were thrown around, and now you aren’t speaking. It’s time for the old dreaded waiting game of “who will cave first?” It’s not a fun game to play. It’s stressful. You’re on high alert. Any little noise might be the vibration of a new message, and you grab at your phone only to see the same thing you’ve been seeing for hours: nothing. Arguing via text message doesn’t do anybody any good, and obsessing over your phone, waiting for that one message, can quickly ruin your day.
I’m among the worst offenders when it come to self-delusion. I convince myself I’m going to leave the phone be and go on with my day. Focus on work, distract myself with other responsibilities. I turn off notifications for messages so that even if someone does reach out, I won’t know. It’s the ultimate way to ignore someone when you’ve had enough. But in the end, it really doesn’t do me any good. I still find myself glancing at the stupid thing, willing it to buzz with an apology text. It’s all too easy to get worked up over the tense silence.
So while I’m trying not to think about the obnoxiously quiet phone sitting next to me, I’ll share some of my thoughts on why texting is toxic for intimate relationships.
1. Communication is key. Anyone who has been in a serious relationship knows this. Clear and open conversation can make or break a good thing, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Face-to-face communication is ideal because it’s the hardest to misinterpret. You see their body language, you hear their tone; things that are missing when you’re reading words on a screen. Phone calls or video chats are second best when it comes to tense conversations, but avoid texting at all costs. There’s just too much room for misunderstanding and misreading, and it’s bound to make things worse.
2. We’re accustomed to constant access to people, and that’s not always a good thing. If you’re not seeing eye to eye, sometimes it’s best to take a step back and give yourself and your SO a little time to cool off. When tensions are high, it’s easy to say things you don’t mean, and even harder to diffuse a bad situation. Sometimes just walking away and sitting with your thoughts is the best way to get your feelings in order. Personally, I like to make a note in my phone and write out all the reasons I’m mad or hurt. It helps to go back and resolve things when you’ve gotten your own thoughts organized and can explain them calmly. Continuing a fight via text will only keep you angry and make it harder to resolve the problem later. Embrace the space.
3. Turn off your phone. I’m a hypocrite, and I won’t deny it. Sometimes ignoring a person is just a passive aggressive way to keep the fight going, but other times getting your eyes off the screen is the best way to get over it. Dwelling on the fight will keep you worked up and make it harder to resolve the problem later. Focus on schoolwork or spend some time with a friend who is removed from the situation. Do something that won’t allow you stay glued to your phone, like taking a long shower or going for a swim. If you’re as bad as me, consider leaving it at home all together and go out to get some feel-good food.
4. Don’t dwell on “what-ifs.” This one is probably the hardest. If you left off on a really bad note (like, this-is-breakup-worthy bad), then the uncertainty can be crippling. You don’t know what the other person is thinking, and you aren’t sure what’s going to happen next. That’s scary. This is when you really need to take a deep breath and be in the moment. Let things play out and do your best to handle things as they come. Don’t torture yourself by blowing up their phone with messages they won’t answer, and do your best not to jump to any conclusions. Fights happen. Your first priority is taking care of yourself and your own emotions.
So when things are tense, stop waiting on the phone to ring and get yourself together. Get your work done, go to the gym, put on a movie, or make your favorite comfort food. Just ignore that damn phone and all the stress that comes with it: disconnect. Practice patience and wait to work things out in person. Don’t fall into the dysfunctional vortex of text-fighting.