Ah, New Years Eve. While anticipating the ball dropping and the strike of twelve, probably decked out in prismatic plastic beads and shimmering 99-cent crowns, you were a making mental list of all the things you were sure to never do in 2014. After all, this was going to be the new year, the new you! Images flashed in your mind of you pumping iron at the gym in only the finest of Lululemon apparel, eating foods solely with a green pigment (nutrition! sounds delicious!,) cleaning your room everyday like a diligent Cinderella, doing all those fabulous DIY projects you have bookmarked on your laptop, banishing procrastination from your life, behaving at your absolute best… Etcetera, etcetera. The whole cerebral projection of this improved version of yourself was so glitter and gold, you hardly heard the battle cry of the ten second count down, nor felt the confetti pouring down onto your hair, and, certainly, did not notice grandma trying to stuff twelve grapes into your mouth for good luck.
Give it a day though, and you start the year out all wrong. Last minute gorging on holiday leftovers and sipping one too-many cider and champagne combos the night before was an absolute must before your health nut craze, but you were already double fisting funfetti cupcakes and mockingly devouring them in front of your new yoga pants. Not like I did that, or anything.
What can I say, old habits die hard.
Okay, some of us aren’t as pathetic as I am, but I think I can say that for the average human being, resolutions- whether they be minor changes in daily behavior or staggeringly impactful adjustments to character- are tough to follow through on. Luckily for you, I’ve provided thirteen things to leave behind in 2013 that may be easier to adhere to than pledges to go base-jumping, or promises to keep up less with the Kardashians during this new year. I’ve provided five for now:
1) Royals:
I know. I know it won a bunch of Grammy’s and you all are going to hate me, and shut down your laptops now for even mentioning this. You may even throw them across the room. But it doesn’t matter, I’ve got to say it: The Year of Our Lorde has come to an end. Well, at least for her hit “Royals.” Royals, the crooned tune about glamorous consumerism and fame aspirationalism has topped the charts in several countries, including in Lorde’s own birthplace New Zealand. Although the song is beautifully addictive, and sends a great message out to all of us who secretly hunger for Perez Hilton’s recognition and want our own hit-show on E!, Royals has lost all relevancy. With the surreal success of her debut album Pure Heroine, and the $2.5 million dollar deal she signed with Songs Music Publishing, hah, don’t you worry, Lorde has seen plenty of diamonds in the flesh.
2) Not Being Inventive In The DC
How do you people survive without abusing the Panini press or creating milkshake concoctions at the dessert station? An article featuring original DC recipes is soon to come, so stay tuned for that. But for now, get a kick-start on culinary inspiration during the most important meal of the day by checking out the Instagram page: @haverfordomeletteking.
3) Hermititude
Unless you’re Elsa from Frozen, the cold really freaking bothers you. Thus it’s easy, especially in the winter, to resort to hermititude. At least, that’s what I’ve gathered after spending my first real winter away from a city that is literally stuck on summer-mode 365 days of the year.
According to the observations I’ve made from my own puny hermit cave located in Tritton Hall, the aversion to wanting to step out into snowy weather with less-than-longed-for temperatures ranging between ten and twenty, comes in the form of sweatpants and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Students stomp their way to class in clunky boots, and drag themselves back to their dorms, hoping to never needing to see the light of day again- or, in the case of winter, lack of light. And when the weekend rolls around, you’ll find the hermits tucked safely away into their beds away from the harsh, cruel reality of the cold, folded into their three thermal blankets like burritos, watching twelve episodes in a row on Netflix.
I’m not exactly what one would call an expert on nutrition, but microwaveable meals, complete inactivity, and total seclusion from society doesn’t sound like a healthy lifestyle.
So join me in the battle to fight hermititude. There’s a whole winter wonderland out there, ready to explore, and memories to be made against the pearly white background of the season. Or you know, at least a dozen opportunities to take great Instagram-worthy pictures to win the #haverpic photo contest. Whatever gets you out of your rooms.
(Except for today, today is a snow day. Stay in your igloo.)
4) Justin Bieber
How would one go about describing Justin Bieber? Hmmm. In the form of Shakespearian insults, perhaps a filthy worsted-stocking knave (King Lear.) And in the form of pre-school playground insults, perhaps a meanie-butt, an underwear brain, a tyrant of the see-saw! Personally, I’d venture as far as describing Justin Bieber in one word, and one word only (but I don’t think it’s HerCampus appropriate, so I won’t type it in.) But, basically, the Biebs spiraled downwards from Usher’s golden boy, and the fantasy of several thirteen-year-old females, to a Class A jerk during 2013. Shout out to Miami-Dade County’s badass police force for locking up the Biebs, who not only was drag racing this January in a residential area of Miami Beach under the influence of several substances, but also was driving with an expired license On top of it all, he resisted arrest and clung to his yellow Lambo for dear life.
Although he was arrested (and rightfully so- he could have easily killed somebody!) JB was released after paying a bail of $2,500. Now, to the average college student this is $2,500 more than we have to spare, but for the professional singer/professional scumbag, $2,500 ends up being more like 25 cents. I’m frowning at Florida’s judicial system now, for letting him go so easily, but that doesn’t mean that we have to.
Keep your secret love of the Biebs hidden in 2013 (don’t worry, we’ve all been there,) and look forward to justice being served in lieu of the bad boy’s decisions in 2014.
5) Flappy Bird
Well, I’m pretty sure the person that created Flappy Bird has a personal vendetta against every living being in the universe. Tapping away at a screen, the objective of the #1 game in Apple’s App Store is to get a small, pixelated yellow bird through a series of green pipes. The bird is so innocent, so cute! You think to yourself: what could possibly be so awful about this game. It even makes me feel nostalgic- it kinda looks like Super Mario! Fools. Because the game’s true objective is to torment, torture, and try to suck all of humanity’s happiness through a series of taps. Think I’m being a little bit harsh? My highest score is a whopping sixteen points. Sixteen. If you haven’t already jumped into the Flappy Bird craze, you’re in luck. If you have, it’s okay. I’m here for you. We can get into a more official rehabilitation process by creating an App Addicts support group, but for now, you can start with delete.
(not quite sure who was the original creator of the above image, but whoever it is, they’re genius.)