Two weeks ago I attended a Wednesday night panel in the CPGC cafe bringing together women of STEM on campus to talk about apropos issues: work-life balance, micro-aggressions, outright bigotry, finding community, mentorship, and breaking into and attempting to carve out a place in the structural inequality of classically male-dominated field.
During this conversation, one of the principal topics of conversation was the issue of “imposter syndrome”. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, the Harvard Business Review has defined imposter syndrome as, “a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success”. Social psychologists have studied the underpinnings of imposter syndrome for decades in what I would deem the “socially acceptable” realms of academic, athletic and job achievement. However, more jarringly I see the traces of imposter syndrome pervade the emotional lives of my friends, my peers, and myself. Perhaps this is developmentally appropriate at the latter end of adolescence, where we find ourselves amidst identity formation. We are encouraged to try on new roles within our social and academic lives as we also explore our values and beliefs, gender and sexuality, as well as our racial and ethnic backgrounds. Should we conform or go against the grain? How much space do I want to take up?
But for myself and others who exist in the cohort of millennials, I see imposter syndrome as one of the greatest cultural forces we battle on a day to day basis… and with good reason. Is it not just another way to frame the underlying sense of superficiality and FOMO that social media so insidiously incites? Surely feeling like an imposter from time to time is the appropriate response when so many of us battle with the multiplicity of identities we carry. If I as a cis-white female want to advocate for the inclusion of women of color in STEM fields, is my compassion genuine? It can be confounding to present an authentic, coherent self, when what we outwardly present more closely resembles a melting pot of contradictions. Merging the already complex identities we carry as physical people to our online identities becomes like the dilemma of the serial cheater: forever scrambling to maintain appearances.
As an aspiring neuroscientist, I ponder about how the biological mechanisms of the brain underlie some of the more puzzling personal and cultural phenomenon such as imposter syndrome. A lot of neurobiological researchers like to take an evolutionary perspective in their approach to understanding the foundations of psychopathological phenomenon that have gained the validation of modern etiology: depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, OCD, and ADHD. Perhaps out of convenience, psychologists and psychiatrists who study imposter syndrome often frame it as a side-affect of anxiety, low-self esteem, or depression, which as stated, are well-studied, ever-growing themes of scientific research. Still, I myself and others cannot help but find ourselves between moments of self-effacing inner dialogues or in caught in the waves of trepidation, the creeping tip toes of self-doubt. No symptomatic pattern of thought, no clinically defined illnesses of the brain can capture the texture of what it feels like to question the very integrity of one’s own being.
Maybe this perspective I walk through life with is ridiculous, cynical. I sometimes look at interpersonal interactions through a rigid lens, all human behaviors having only self-satisfying, “primal” motives. Evolutionary biology being so far removed from the utter ridiculousness of modern life’s demands only illustrates the glaring privilege of my position in life. Sure, I can understand the criticism that it could falter on being overly-reductionist to see all human behaviors from the “sterility” of biology. I don’t deny that I could be convinced there are aspects of human behavior–personhood, consciousness, that will remain ineffable, incomprehensible by the hand of empiricism.
Yet, I find the same irritation manifesting itself in the furrow in my brow, an expression some might tell me not to keep too long as to avoid premature wrinkling. Who decided science cannot be spiritual? Furthermore, who truncated definitions of spirituality to belief in a deity? If I’ve gotten anything out of my liberal arts education thus far it’s the ability to argue for science as a metaphor for salvation. Like hey, ever heard of “the enlightenment”? That word carries some heavy religious connotations, no?
The point is, as much as a social commentary you want to make on what culturally and biologically underlies imposter syndrome, how it might fit categorically into the one-size fits all label of “anxiety” or how it’s particularly heightened as a by-product of so-called millennial entitlement, the shit leaches into the goodness of life and diminishes it. As to say, “that’s not enough”, “nope, not good enough”, “you are not worthy”. So even beyond identifying as a women in STEM who wants to find her intellectual compass, imposter syndrome to me is a daily reminder of the importance to work at internalizing the sense of fulfillment I get every day: coming home to my best friend and debriefing each other on our days, going to practice to physically exert my stress, push myself and be with my incredibly down-to-earth teammates, or the sense of mastery I get from understanding how a gene is transcribed.
Acknowledging these splendors in an act of self-care and self-love. It reminds me to seek betterment not out of insecurity or its compensation, but to look at the substance surrounding me. To say “bump that noise” to the criticisms that come from own psyche and defy the imperatives of always seeing more as more. Instead, enjoying the process of development in all of its ebbs and flows. Shitty days, middle of the road days, and days that remind you of who you all lie along the road to achievement and color our lives in much greater magnitude than fleeting moments of achievement. Yes, setting goals can be constructive. Ambition, motivation, and an avid work ethic are important. But the conception that as individuals we can eternally have our feet on the gas is simply cuckoo.
So here is my unsolicited advice; I encourage myself and others to let things sit…
Your brain is going to need some time to absorb all that information.
Your test grades will improve throughout the semester if you keep grinding.
Despire the disappointment in the moment, there will be another opportunity to impress the guy or gal you’re crushing on.
Allow your labors to ferment. Take that nap instead of half-assing some readings. Go to an interesting talk instead of addressing your workload. It will still be there two hours later, and you might just come back to it with the renewed vigor of intellectual stimulation that comes OUTSIDE of schoolwork. Oh yeah, and tell imposter syndrome to SHOVE IT. We’re all good and bad at different things, but the dirty secret is that nobody else (even the jerks) are looking at you with the strength of scrutiny we inflict upon ourselves.