Ahhh, the walk of shame. Let’s give it a moment of silence, in order to fully remember all of those mornings spent scampering across campus in a dress, carrying heels, and looking vaguely like a crack whore (the smudged makeup and messy hair look- #swag).
Ok now that that’s over, let’s make a promise NEVER to let it happen again. And no, I don’t mean never to let those sleepovers happen again — I just mean to never let the classless walk of shame happen again. In order to help you fulfill that promise, your very own beloved Her Campus team has does some in-depth research into how to class up your walk of shame, and make it less — well — shameful.
1. Chug a Water Bottle Before Bed.
Ok, I am very aware that this is a fully premeditated act, and that most of the time, your walks of shame just spring up on you. But hear me out — by the time you are about to KO, you pretty much know a walk of shame is in order for the morning. And in that last moment, before you drool your way off to sleep, do yourself a favor and drink at least half a water bottle. There’s no need to be picky about how you get the water, either — if he doesn’t have an unopened bottle for you, grab his nalgene or even an old plastic gatorade off the floor and fill it with water from the sink (it’s Cambridge, people, the water is like the second cleanest in the world). Drinking this will put you at a slightly higher risk of having to pee in the middle of the night, but it will also help rehydrate your shocked body and make a huge difference in preventing that looming hangover. On top of this, the burst of hydration right before bed will help clear your system of toxins, so your skin will look less puffy in the morning, leaving you just as put-together as always… almost.
2. Squash the awkward goodbye: If he’s awake, slap him a high five. If he’s asleep, roll out with class.
In the morning, when you finally awake with horror/wonder to see what/who you’ve done, there is one truly terrible, inevitable hurdle to pass: the awkward goodbye. Do you wait for him to wake up and give repeating last night a shot? Do you struggle to extrapolate yourself from his bear-like limbs and escape his oppressive cuddling before noon? Is it ok to hang around and sleep as late as you normally would, well into Sunday brunch? Should you be out of there as soon as he opens his eyes and grunts you a ‘sup’? The answer to this question was much debated amongst our experts, but eventually we were able to reach a pretty unanimous decision: gtfo. It doesn’t matter how amazing he was, or how curious you are to see what he looks like in the daylight — it is not worth being there in the morning. Staying too late can be awkward, as no one knows what the other person wants to do in the morning, and nothing is more terrible than being told to leave (remember Bridesmaids? Yeah, no.) And don’t even bother with that goodbye kiss B.S. Slap him five, or roll his sleepy arms off you, and get back to your dorm before it’s too late in the day. When it comes to the Walk of Shame, the earlier, the classier.
3. Raid his bathroom.
Before you head out to face the world and its judgemental glares, sneak into his bathroom and go full on sleuth through the drawers and cabinets. Yes, it might be repulsive, and yes, you might see things you don’t want to see, but you may also find some knock off of the same face wash you use (goodbye whorish makeup), mouth wash (goodbye rank taste of death), and deodorant (boy deodorant just smells really yummy).
4. Work that updo.
If there was ever a time for the messy bun, it’s now. I don’t care how many tries it takes, but you toss that hair up and yank it down again until you have the perfect bun. Go for that level of messy that’s chic enough to somehow look put together but artsy enough to work with your sex hair. STOP AT NOTHING LESS. If your hair looks insane, you will scream walk of shame. But if your bun game is strong, maybe people will think you’re just together enough in life to be out at eleven on a Sunday morning in heels with your hair done. Maybe.
5. Grab a coffee on your way back — hide your morning breath with coffee breath (slightly more socially acceptable).
You know that when you finally make it to your dorm, your roommate is going to give you shit about walking home in that, sleeping with him, or just abandoning her to weather the long night in a room all alone. Take away some of her ammunition by stopping and grabbing a coffee — the caffeine will wake you up just enough to handle her onslaught of questions about every detail of your night, and the smell of coffee breath will replace the just worse smell of your morning breath. BONUS: if you really want to do it right, grab your roommate a coffee as well. She’ll be amazed at your kindness and might totally forget to show you the terrible pictures she took of you hooking up with him at the Owl. Oh gahd.
6. Take none of his stuff.
This rule is the most harsh, but the most crucial. I know you’re tempted by his comfy sweatshirt, or thinking that taking his fuzzy socks will mean seeing him again to return them… BUT DON’T DO IT. Leave on your own terms, and with your own stuff. You are a grown adult who decided to sleep over in his room, and now you are deciding to leave it the exact same way you came. He wouldn’t have borrowed your sweatpants if he slept at your place, and now you won’t borrow his. You don’t need his clothes, because you are way too cool for them. Nothing looks worse than that girl carrying her heels and hiding her dress in a Harvard Athletics hoodie — it’s like she’s wearing a giant advertisement for the boy she slept over with the night before. Besides, now if he contacts you, you know that he’s into you, and that it’s not just to get that hoodie back. Bam.
7. Mental checklist — forget nothing.
There is nothing worse than quietly shutting his door only to realize you left one of your earrings on the floor by the couch, or that your wallet is hanging from his bedpost. To avoid awkwardly having to go back in or coming back at another time, run through a careful mental checklist before you go. Make sure you have everything you came with, from phone to wallet to bra to bracelets. Badass bitches remember their shit. And are beholden to no one. Not even that boy and his nice smelling deodorant and strangely comfortable pillow.
8. Strut like it’s a walk of fame.
Last, but far from least. Your walk of shame is, in the end, what you make of it. If you want to slink back home, by all means do. But if you had a great night, and your hangover isn’t that bad, then damn straight you STRUT your ass back to your room. Be proud of your super hot morning bod, and knock down any haters in your way with a smile and a puff of your morning breath. This is not a walk of shame. There is no shame in embracing your sexuality. There is no shame in sleeping where you like, with whom you like, whenever you’d like to. So strut baby. Because this is your very own Walk of Fame.