A Guide to 4 Types of 'Monstrous' Boyfriends You'll Find at Harvard

It’s that time of year again where the entire campus dons masks and Halloween costumes to spend one tumultuous night out on the town. Of course, most people dress up to hide who they really are, but Freeze wonders: is it possible that your man’s costume pick actually reveals the real monster inside? Read on!

The Werewolf

With a perpetually messy head of hair and a snaggle-tooth smile, he had this sort of stray-dog charm that convinced you to take him into your heart. The way he would curl up next to you on the couch and your late night walks around the river under a full moon may have convinced you that you had found a fixer-upper. With a little love and guidance and a makeover, you are sure you can convince him to shed the outdoorsman FOPer look for a proper haircut and a clean-shaven face.

A little under a month in though, and he suddenly transforms to someone you can barely recognize. Instead, that 5 o’clock shadow you used to find sexy has manifested into a full on beard you’re afraid of kissing. Instead of coming to visit you, you find him curled up in bed underneath a pile of dirty laundry. He howls and flees every time you call him by the title “boyfriend”. And in lieu of spending the weekend with a picnic on the beach like you wanted, he tells you he’s sick of civilization and needs to retreat to the woods Oh, and worst of all, he smells like he hasn’t showered in a month. Eww.

Possible Concentrations: Earth and Planetary Sciences, Environmental Science and Public Policy

The Vampire

He was so charming that night you met him at your house formal. With the whole mysterious and brooding package wrapped in a tuxedo, how could you resist his hypnotic gaze and his request for a waltz? Sure, your friends think he looks a little too pale and antisocial, but no one’s perfect, right? A week later, you’re almost certain that you’ve found Mr. Right as he steals you away to the ritziest restaurant in town, drapes an expensive string of pearls around your neck, and leans in close to whisper that you’re beautiful. Sigh.

Flash forward two weeks into the future, and you can’t seem to shake him off. He spends every single waking moment next to you, skipping his lectures so he can sit in on yours, and even proposes moving into your dorm room. He gets defensive if you every try to get alone time with the girls, and he glares at every guy that greets you. While you work on readings, he just sits there and watches you read. When you confront him about his obsessive behavior, he explains, “Darling, but I thought we were going to be together forever!” Basically, this boy has latched on and is sucking all the life out of you. Get out now while you still can!

Possible Concentrations: English, Folklore and Mythology, Romance Languages and Literature

The Mad Scientist

Ever since Spiderman, you’ve had a soft spot for the nerd. The way he’d play with his hair while trying to explain that complicated math problem to you made your heart melt. Of course, getting him to see you as girlfriend material was a tough battle; wouldn’t you be a distraction from studies? However, you’d settle for library dates and reading besides him in the mornings while he worked on his problem set. You’d also settle for hiking up to Northwest labs with a surprise bagged lunch for him. You also find yourself justifying spending only fifteen minutes with him on one of his many busy days because “at least those are the best fifteen minutes of the day”!

Unfortunately, there is no magical potion you can mix up in chemistry lab that will transform this mad scientist into the boyfriend you need. No matter how much you put in to the relationship, you will still be on the bottom of his priorities list, under extracurriculars, his organic chemistry study group, his World of Warcraft guild, and his biology core. When you try to show any sign of attachment, he backs away and locks himself up his room with a textbook, then finds excuses to spend less and less time with you till he finally just throws in the towel and quits. Face it, this man is set on succeeding at Harvard, and unfortunately, a girlfriend just doesn’t fit into his grand equation, no matter how hard you’ve tried. Move on before he breaks your heart again, because you can bet he has.

Possible Concentrations: Physics, Chemistry, Molecular and Cellular Biology, Mathematics

Frankenstein

You remember seeing him across the room in a finals club. Your eyes locked. It was love at first sight, on your part, at least. He was tall, dark, and handsome, and in every way the quintessential New England-born-and-bred Harvardian with generations of Crimson pumped into his veins. You can just imagine him jetting the two of you off for a romantic weekend in Cape Cod, of afternoons relaxing by the pool via his posh and exclusive country club pass. A wedding in Memorial Church would be ideal, of course, along with producing a set of double-legacies a decade down the line.

But few things in life work out the way you envision. Three weeks and five uneventful dates later, you realize that there is little sustenance past the looks. Conversations end after two sentences, where most of his replies come in the form of grunts and nods. Instead of grand romantic gestures, everything about him feels mechanical, artificial, and forced, evident in the way his kisses fail to evoke any sort of passion in you. The only thing that seems to perk him up is when you complement his dinner jacket. Face it, this man is about as interesting as the living dead.

Possible Concentrations: Economics, Government

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