Housing day is this Thursday, and until then, every freshman on campus is guaranteed to suffer a few sweat-inducing nightmares. On the bright side, the weeks of passive-aggressive-borderline-evil blocking group drama are over. On the dark side, the threat of the Quad now looms, growing closer and more menacing with each passing second.
But not to worry–your expert staffers here at Her Campus have sifted through over fifty years of Housing Day myths and legends to provide you with what we believe to be a comprehensive list of the most certain ways to please the housing gods, work with the system, and maybe get you into that house you’ve been dreaming of all year. Read on, young freshmen, read on.
1) The latex allergy– Rumors about this one abound across campus. Apparently, if you provide medical evidence of an allergy to latex, you have a medical excuse significant enough to require that you live within a close proximity of UHS. This means River Houses, but even more specifically, Quincy, Adams, or Lowell. With a just a little medical assurance, you can say goodbye to your fears of the Quad and Mather at once. If you’re interested in trying it, be sure to contact somebody important through the Office of Student Life to let them know you have specific needs. You might also want to tell your boyfriend about your new aversion to latex . . .
2) The Swipes– If you have been eating your dinners in the Quad all year (why . . .?) it may be time to stop reading. My close connections with the housing gods report that the top secret algorithm used to sort the freshies includes a count on the number of swipes you have to every upperclassmen house. If you are an athlete who managed to sneak into every Elliot dinner this fall, congratulations, you may have just cheated the system. But if your lover lives in the Quad, your romantic dinner (and subsequent breakfast) dates have guaranteed your misery this Thursday morning.
3) Lowell Tea– The most suspicious thing about Harvard all together is Lowell Tea. Why do we have it? Why is it so good? And most importantly, why is it open to freshmen? Some have begun to theorize that its availability to those young wanderers is a test. Go to enough Lowell teas, make some small talk, and boom–you’re in Lowell. So if Lowell tea is your weekly Thursday indulgence, welcome to one of the greatest houses on campus. If not, well 1) you missed out on some great treats this year and 2) say goodbye to your dreams of that yellow dining hall being home.
4) Bribery- If you come from a big money alumni family, now may be your moment to prove that you do indeed belong here. First, call the richest and most easily persuaded/annoyed member of your family. Then, use the full force of your Expos-honed-argumental-skills on him or her. Do not give up until you have secured a donation of at least ten billion dollars. This should be enough to buy yourself out of the Quad. Or perhaps, if you come from lesser means, you should consider opening a GoFundMe. I’m sure your plea will look appetizing amongst the requests for money to end world hunger.
5) Get a hacker- This one is among my personal favorites. Remember that CS50 kid you oggled at in awe all year when you saw him finishing his PSet as you left for your morning run? Well now is the time to find him (with a 5 hour energy shot as a peace offering, of course) and pay/seduce/convince him into taking on the challenge of the Harvard housing system. If he can successfully hack it, you can simultaneously choose your dream residence and take away the University’s most magical power source. It’s indeed a tempting idea.
6) The Helga Pataki- I’m fully aware that you used to (or still) watch Hey Arnold, and at some point in your life have constructed a closet shrine similar to the one she built for Arnold to secretly declare her endless love. If you really want Kirkland, then it’s time to again break out the candles and incense. I suggest centering your shrine around pictures of the house masters in question and the Harvard crest. I also suggest being careful, because Harvard’s closets are all wooden and burning incense in them is probably going to start a fire. However, if that gets you out of Dunster, then it’s probably worth it.
7) Sacrificial Offering– If the above methods don’t work for you, it may be time to consider a sacrificial offering to the housing gods. Your roommate’s childhood stuffed animal will do, so long as you burn it with the Adams crest inscribed across its belly. If the stuffed animal doesn’t seem like enough, you can always consider using your roommate as well. After all, with her gone it’s a guaranteed single . . .
8) The Ex-Hookup- The final, and honestly most promising, myth I have to offer seems to be the one with if not the largest granule of truth, then at least the lowest amount of stress. After all of the running around and sweating and anxiety spreading, it may be time to realize that whatever house you get is beyond your control. So treat housing day like you do your ex-hookups. Ignore it, give it a wave, but don’t stress or give a real care. When you are standing in that room Thursday morning, worrying so hard that you start chewing your hair isn’t going to change what house you end up in. The best advice I have to offer is relax and accept that whatever house you will live in is up to fate. All of your maniacal scheming and secret praying is probably not going to make a difference. So from now until housing day, think about it all with only a light curiosity, or a healthy excitement. And remember, each house at Harvard really is amazing. You will be happy no matter where you end up.
Unless it’s Winthrop.