Because it’s February, usually the most miserable/depressing/frigid month of the year, you may be wondering one thing: why is it so warm on campus? With temperatures nearing 50 degrees every day, it’s starting to seem more like the time to go lay by the river, than the time to plunge your life and soul into a semester’s worth of readings and bullshit. Like the rest of the world, you may be tempted to blame this freakishly wonderful weather on global warming. And while that might be it, it seems more likely that the heatwave has been caused by Superbowl season: to the dismay of scientists round the globbe, the NFL is heating the planet substantially.
Fortunately for you (and the world), with the impending Super Bowl in mind (#sports), Her Campus Harvard has put together a list of the hottest football players in the NFL, who seem to be most responsible for this climate destruction **drum roll please**.
1. Jimmy Garoppolo
By far the most attractive. He’s actually perfect, although his Instagram is really personal (so personal I feel creepy following it). He’s been my phone background for at least six months (before, when I was young and confused, it was Gronk holding a kitten). He’s the picture that pops up when my boyfriend calls me (a girl can dream). And yes, I’ll openly admit to spending my extra time planning our wedding on Pinterest (I am indeed twelve). But if you look at his arms, his eyes, and **sigh** his smile, it’s actually impossible not to feel your temperature rise a couple degrees, and blink acceptingly as you slowly fall in love <3.
2. Cam Newton
Suave. But better. Super-suave? Closer. Super-super-sexy-suavey-shh-I-love-you-sexy-sexy-sex-have-sex-with-me-haha-jk-mom-hi-ily-suave? That’s it. That’s him. He has a very suave face, and I find him very very attractive. I would marry him, too. Like, maybe not first though? Probably a solid second or third marriage for me, because if I married him when I was too young and insecure his beauty would drive me insane. I like to think he’s the kind of beautiful, perfect, suave face I’ll need to get over a couple divorces and live happily ever after.
3. Jordan Cameron
Quick, think of the cutest animal possible . . . you got a dolphin, right? Well of course Cameron, the cutest man possible, is on the Dolphins. And while he (unfortunately) looks very little like the lovable marine animal, he’s cute in his own, more-human-less-amphibious way. I think of all the giants and gems on this list, he’s probably the ideal one to bring home to your parents . . . and show off to all those people you were jealous of in high school . . . and take those really tacky beach pictures in matching white shirts and khakis with . . . and make the father of your tribe of pretty, giggling, athletic babies with . . .
4. Von Miller
So freaking cute I want to cry. I know – how is a man who’s 6’3”, 249 pounds, and sexy that cute? I think (and this is v bold) it’s his personality shining through. From the dorky, granpa-sexy classes to the stupid fedoras to the goofy, omg-let-me-cuddle-you-till-death-and-then-probably-still persona, I honestly think I might love this man for more than his face (but I still love his face, don’t worry). In addition to all that, he’s apparently really good at football. Bonus on bonus on bonus points.
5. Tom Brady
You may say, like this article (ranking athletes by their appearances in 2016? Really?), that Brady is overdone. But if you said that, I would shove his picture in your face. Because you cannot overdo perfection. Tom Brady is actually, in th
e game and in the mirror, a GOD. As in, his face is what I imagine I would see in the middle of the bright light that supposedly approaches as you die. Everything about him, from his slowly receding hairline to his six finger forehead to his butt chin, screams at my vagina, in a nice, sexy way.
6. Calvin Johnson
He has this cute little gap in his teeth that I just want to insert myself into. That way I would be a part of him forever, just like his image will be burned into my soul forever. Imagine how nice it would be in that gap? Everytime he smiled I would be a part of it. And since his smile is so shiny and beautiful that it makes people melty-gushy-happy (or at least it makes me that way) when they see it, than I, as a forced, wedged in, balled up part of that smile, would perpetually make people happy as well.
PS: THE MAN’S NICKNAME IS MEGATRON. That has to bode well for certain, erm, things about him.
7. Clay Matthews
GAHHH. Gahhh. gAhhhHHHahHGGahGHhahhaghaAGH. When I was very little (like, carriage-aged), I remember having recurring dreams where my stroller was dropped down a steep hill in the woods. To make these dreams less scary, I would wake up and re-imagine them with Hercules coming and saving me before I rolled away into the oblivion. Well, by some sort of freaky miracle, the face of the Hercules I used to imagine has been transplanted onto this beautiful, beautiful man who plays with balls for a living. GahhGhahhAHh. Nuff said.
8. Larry Fitzgerald
All that you need to be assured that he deserves his place on our list is a picture (there are many) of his carefully posed naked body (carefully posed so it’s acceptable to look at with your mother — don’t be creepy). This guy has more abs than I can count (though I’m bad at math, and my mechanical engineering roommate assured me she was able to count them, so this may just be me). Would I marry him? Yup. Will I? Probably not. But he’s v hot, and for this list, that’s v important. But even though this guy’s body is really probably adequate to keep you warm, he’s also got a really warm heart. For tingles, see his “First Down Fund”, which raises money to help children and families in crisis, out of crisis, over the summers, with technology, as communities, at sports, and basically in every other good thing you can imagine someone doing for children and families.
9. Igor Olshansky
This man can best be described as a living, footballing, swoon-inducing piece of ass I’m sorry, art. From his perfectly sculpted everything to his angel-tossed curls to the actual art covering his arms (and hopefully more), he’s the perfect man for a sophisticated, art-loving type of woman (like me, hi). Additionally, he’s got the mysterious bonus of a name that sounds like it’s from the other side of the wall. A little bit of Cold War danger? Ideal. In the end, I would probably gnaw gently on his biceps until he noticed me and gave me a soul-crunching hug of luuv.
10. Ryan Fitzpatrick
Of course Fitzpatrick had to make the cut, because he’s a Harvard man with beautiful blue eyes, and here at HCH, we give the love to our own. But that’s not the only reason he’s attained hot-enough-to-keep-me-warm-in-this-weather-ness. Along with being adorably Harvard, Fitzpatrick is adorably sexy, in a “grumpy cat” sort of way. He embodies sloppy-sexual to a T — basically, his face is what my legs look like during finals, but also somehow sexy and put together and adorably kitten-like at the same time. Yeah, it’s a tough mix. But he does it perfectly. Thanks Harvard (and Mamma Fitzpatrick), for making him exist <3