We all know the feeling: that bubbly, excited thrill of possibility that comes from dating a new guy. But as exciting as it is to meet someone you can see as a potential boyfriend, it is important to play it cool without getting overwhelmed or overeager. As movies like He’s Just Not That Into You have illustrated, building a relationship tends to be complicated. To simplify things, I’ve compiled this list, based on observations and real life experiences people have shared with me. So, here’s my advice on what not to do:
1. Over-stalk him on Facebook. I say “over-stalk” because we are all guilty of Facebook creeping to a certain degree. The trick is not going so over-the-top as to make it obvious. Sure, you might know how many siblings he has, his dog’s name, and what color boutonniere he wore to his junior and senior proms, but he does not know that you know all of that. That is the danger of Facebook stalking: you can inadvertently reveal your knowledge of a personal detail that he has never shared with you in real life, which will be more than sufficiently awkward. Also, if the first thing you do when you open your Facebook page is type his name into the search bar, this falls into the category of over-stalking, too.
2. Stalk him in real life. This one is fairly obvious. At least, it should be. But there are too many cringe-worthy stories of guys and girls alike crossing the line from friendly to obsessed to leave it off the list. Like Gigi and the dentist pen in He’s Just Not That Into You, using weird excuses to bump into someone for no real reason is actually creepy. Also in this vein, do not show up at your crush’s apartment in the middle of the night and say that you “just happened to be in the building.” Especially if they never even told you their room number. (This actually happened to someone I know – very creepy).
3. Over-share personal details. At the start of a relationship, it is definitely better to show your true personality rather than try to impress someone by acting out of character. But with that said, there is a difference between doing you and just getting way too personal way too fast. One of my favorite real-life examples of this was actually said to a friend of a friend; the boy she was on a date with said, “Yeah, I have ADHD, but I don’t take medication.” Another good one? “I’m emotionally damaged.” Oh, good – tell me more. That is definitely not starting things out on the right foot.
4. Obsess over him. When you are in that stage of talking to a guy where you can seriously see yourself being with him, it is easy to get wrapped up in his cute quirks and the things he likes. But don’t let your crush become the focus of your every thought. Maybe he likes to wear Nantucket Reds; okay, you think it is cute. But try not to hold your breath every time some guy on the street passes you wearing the same shade of salmon. First of all, this is GW, so that would happen a lot. And second of all, it is unhealthy to obsess over someone that is not even exclusively yours yet.
5. Compromise too much. If you have only been talking for a few weeks and you already have doubts, it is important not to just push them aside. I am not saying to go crazy over every tiny detail – for example, a friend of mine once stopped seeing someone because he did not eat vegetables – but if something does not feel right, you should trust your intuition. If a guy does not treat you well from the beginning, it is just not logical to expect that he is going to get better with time. You owe it to yourself not to compromise what you want in a boyfriend just because a guy who’s close enough is interested and happens to be right in front of you.
6. Be clingy. On a similar note as “Don’t obsess over him,” it is also important not to suffocate him. One aspect of this is avoiding the double text; if you text him and he does not immediately reply, this does not mean you should text again. Yes, maybe the message did not go through. Or maybe he is in class and not currently checking his phone. You do not want to be the person responsible for flooding someone’s inbox; that is a little overeager. You also do not want to be the person responsible for 25 missed calls in the course of one night – it happened, and it was a tad overbearing.
7. Worry about the future. One of the best parts about a developing relationship is its casual newness. There is no real pressure to make any big decisions about becoming exclusive or committing to each other as long as you are both just having fun and enjoying the chance to explore your relationship. With that said, it is not always easy to stave off thoughts of a happily monogamous future together. Just don’t let wondering about where things are going ruin where they are in the moment.
8. Kiss and tell. There are many reasons not to do this. First of all, being gossiped about in real life is not as enjoyable as Blair Waldorf makes it seem. Second of all, if you would not want your guy telling his friends personal details about the time you spend together, you should think about that before you regale your girls with a play-by-play of your coffee date (and when he kissed you afterward). Finally, if things do not work out with the guy you have been seeing, the fewer people who knew you two were dating, the fewer will ask you about it.
9. Listen too much to other people. Obviously, your friends have your best interests at heart. But it is also important to follow your own intuition. If a friend doesn’t like your new guy but cannot give you a concrete reason, maybe take her advice with a grain of salt. Conversely, if a friend has legitimate concerns, you should take her seriously. It is easy for your judgment to get clouded when you like someone, but it is also important not to be blind to their flaws.
10. Forget about yourself. The classic cliché that love finds you when precisely you stop looking for it exists for a reason. When you are happy in your own life and you love yourself, it is attractive to others. It is important not to lose your independence when you start dating someone. I always think about Julia Roberts’ character in the classic rom-com Runaway Bride; she has been engaged three times, and with every boyfriend, she orders her eggs the same way that each of them like them cooked. At the end of the movie, after breaking off a fourth engagement, she cooks eggs in every style imaginable, then sits down and tastes them all until she figures out her own preference. The breakfast metaphor is cute, but the bottom line is that you need to know yourself before you can open up to someone else. Do not lose sight of who you are just because there is a new guy in your life.