Mindset is everything. Moving out for me, I lost my parents being there for my everyday mistakes and telling me if it was fixable do not worry about it. If I made mistakes that weren’t as easily fixed they would remind me to be grateful for the good things.
When I first moved out everything seemed easy and simple. I ate what I wanted when I wanted, and everything else whenever. But when I put off laundry for the third time and break a clothing hanger in one day it seems like I am a failure. If I do poorly in a class or assignment or procrastinate on my assignments I feel so terrible about myself. I began to feel so drained. Especially when there is a global pandemic going on. Growing up, moving out and remotely educating myself is a big burden and it’s not weak to say that.
I am learning everyday to give myself grace and invest in myself before anything else. I heard a quote that shook me to my core the other day.
“Would you treat the 5 year old version of yourself the way you treat the current version?”
Would you use kinder words? Would you be more patient? Of course as an adult I am more responsible and more capable than a five year old. But my general take away from that statement is to be gentle with myself. If I continue to wallow in self doubt and mistakes I’ve made I’m self inflicting pain that I do not need to carry. I can forgive myself everyday and make efforts to be better. But with work, school and relationships if I am not taken care of everything suffers.
It is hard to find time for everything. Some days I cannot complete everything I think I should. But will the world fall apart if I don’t? No. So I need to learn how to prioritize having a routine that serves me. Creating a nighttime and morning routine that serves in taking care of my needs. Watching tik tok before I go to bed is something I enjoy but does not serve in taking care of myself. Sometimes I have to force myself to do parts of my routine that are good for me but sometimes aren’t easy to do. Some days I am so drained mentally and physically it’s hard to get out of bed. I find myself convincing myself with child-like logic of why I should just take the rest of the day off and lay in bed. While rest is important I know it’s more important than to complete tasks that will better my today and tomorrow sooner rather than later.
Some days it’s hard and stuff doesn’t get done. I begin to get upset with myself for not getting things done that I feel that I should have. But I learned that getting upset with myself and sitting in self pity does nothing but ruin my mindset and takes away my peace. All I can do is try to be better than I was yesterday. I cannot give myself unrealistic standards and then be upset and fall apart when they are not achieved.
Having self destructive tendencies and mindsets can be detrimental to my well being. I am becoming more aware everyday of how much I need to love myself and give myself chances to be better. Loving myself unconditionally is hard. Before when I lived at home I was lucky to have parents to fill in my gaps and love me so much that I felt confident in myself and felt peace in that everything in my life would be okay.
Now as an adult I pay for all my food, clothing, house items, work, go to school, breathe etc. I am dealing with a lot and I need to acknowledge my heavy load cannot be beared by a body running on empty. Just because I am making it does not mean I am taking care of myself. Thinking of myself as a child makes my mindset change a lot. Would I tell my 5 year old self to skip lunch to go do homework? Would I tell my 5 year old self to wear dirty clothes instead of washing them? Knowing the injustices I have subjected myself to is sad. Loving yourself should be the first and last thing you do everyday. Not something you decide to put off for tomorrow.