What member of the boy band of the month would be perfect for you? What color dress should you wear to the school dance? Does he really like you, or are you misreading his signals? These and more were the questions facing young teenagers reading J-14 magazine, obviously. And the magazine editors had our backs. While I’ve already written about the impact of J-14 magazine on my development, I failed to mention one of the most iconic parts of the magazine, the quizzes. Today, I’m going to dive back into the weird and wacky world of J-14 magazine once again to take some of their quizzes—and hopefully find the answers the questions that keep me up at night.
Immediately upon entering the site, I am faced with this pop-up. I know it’s just for demographic information, but I feel like the police are en-route to my house.
I have to say that I’m a little more than disappointed at the website’s homescreen. Something very iconic about J-14 and all teenage celebrity magazines of the time was the collage-like clutter that they designed their magazine covers with. Images of celebrities were layered on top of one another in loud, bright color combinations, as if they were bursting off of the page in excitement to tell you about what they really look for in a partner on page 14. This homepage does not invoke that feeling. It’s plain, it’s only two colors, and worst of all, I recognize absolutely zero of the celebrities that they’re talking about. In the fast-paced world of J-14, I’m not even a fossil—I’m bone marrow that’s been ground into the dirt by wind and dust.
At least give them some credit for having the only four categories that matter listed.
The quiz selection is even less impressive than the homepage. Seriously, I don’t want to know what holiday cookie I should bake this year! I want to know if that boy in my Calc 2 class is my Prince Charming! It seems that they moved away from those types of topics in 2017—the year from which the latest quizzes are from—but luckily for me, some quizzes from 2009 have survived. Ever so slightly before my time (I took the title of J-14 very seriously and began reading at exactly 14), but it will do.
We’re going to find out what he loves about me. Who’s he, you ask? The last remaining shreds of my bisexuality before I give up on men entirely is my best guess.
I’m really trying to get into my 14 year old self’s addled brain for this question. What would she have chosen? Considering the vast array of Domo pins I owned and the fact that I used to unironically buy anything with cartoon tacos plastered on them makes me think I’d be a fan of number one. Makes me almost want to type out a “XD” in my article. Almost.
I’m really digging how saucy number three is, and we all know that the number one word that would have described me as a 14 year old was saucy. I’ll go with that one.
Number three isn’t horrifying in the least.
You only get one feather. Choose wisely.
I’ve reached bit of a dilemma at the end of the quiz. I have an even amount of As and Bs, which means I am both fun-loving and sweet. Everyone knows that J-14 doesn’t allow there to be dimension to your personality! I messed it up! Fortunately, though, there’s absolutely no room for range in a flowchart—another incredibly popular form of quizzes in J-14. Let’s see what show I should be on.
I got American Idol…which is cool and all, except I specifically stayed away from music related answers because I have the singing voice of a crushed beetle. J-14 really isn’t giving me much to go off on here. And I still have so many boy-related questions! Looks like I’m going to have to go to bootleg J-14 quizzes. Am I the girl of Nick Jonas type? Let’s find out!
I audibly screeched that one of the answers that links you to “5%” is “do you like wearing dresses”. It can apparently give you a nearly 36% increase in luck with Nick Jonas. As can liking a “basball game of the yankees”, undoubtedly one of my favorite pastimes.
You’ll be happy to know that I have an 87% to 99% percent chance of being the Nick Jonas type of girl. Anyone who’s ever wronged me in my life? It’s over for you bitches.
As fun as that was, I think it’s time to return to the genuine J-14 quizzes. Let’s see what my party personality is.
Okay, meta moment for a second. The person who wrote this quiz clearly never went to a school dance. I literally never saw a boy at one of those that wasn’t in Tims and a wife-beater.
I like how A implies that you’re some sort of cursed being who only regains their eyesight on Fridays because your father stole too many zucchinis from the neighboring witches’ vegetable garden when you were an infant or something.
To be honest, I’m not really getting the answers that I need from any of these quizzes, which is disappointing. Where’s the J-14 article on what Tinder hookup is right for me? Or what college degree will make my family laugh at me less? I guess they just haven’t adapted to the times—but maybe one day, they’ll make a return. And then I’ll know for sure what path in life to take.
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