Tallahassee is a college town, which means the majority of its population comes alive at night. As a whole, we slowly crawl out of bed at 7 p.m. to start getting ready for the night ahead of us. We blast our music and dance around our apartments, procrastinating on our hair and makeup. Before we know it, the clock has struck 10 p.m. and our friends are banging on our front doors, yelling at us that the cab driver is waiting. Without hesitation, we take a quick swig of vodka, check our outfits one last time, throw on some heels and head out the door. The night has begun, which can only mean one thing: 2 a.m. is quickly approaching.
As a How I Met Your Mother fanatic, I say with only slight embarrassment that I live vicariously through Barney Stinson. I have high hopes of publishing the Girl Code – a slight variation of his infamous Bro Code. If you think I’m joking, I’m not. But on a more serious note, How I Met Your Mother taught me something I don’t think I would have learned otherwise. Ted Mosby’s mother gave Ted the single-handedly best piece of advice a mother could give her young adult son: nothing good happens after 2 a.m.
You don’t believe me? I didn’t think you would. Don’t worry, I have graciously provided you with the top four reasons why nothing good happens after 2 a.m. – Tallahassee edition.
1. Lights, camera, action!
Courtesy: Google
It is officially 2 a.m. In Tallahassee, this famously means that the clubs are closed. And when I say the clubs are closed at 2 a.m., I mean it. Not a second earlier, not a second later. Because we have all had those crazy nights consisting of one too many tequila shots, we all know that as soon as the clock strikes 2 a.m., the music stops and the lights flicker on. Not only does this mean the party is (sadly) over, but you now have to sprint to the door, in hopes that no one – especially that cute guy from the bar – sees how much makeup you’ve managed sweat off in the four hour period in which you were there.
2. Severe Beer Goggles
Courtesy: Google Images
Beer Goggles. It’s a thing. A very, very real thing. By 2 a.m., you’re trashed. Whilst dashing out of the club to avoid anyone seeing how rough you truly look, you bump right into that annoying guy who kept trying to buy you drinks at the beginning of the night. Is this really him? What’s his name again? He is much more attractive than you remember. You two begin talking again. Wow, he is so much funnier than you remember. Did he just compliment you six times in a row? What a sweet guy. Yes! Let’s head back to your place for some “Netflix and Chill”! He even grabs your hand as you guys start walking – a true gentlemen. You can thank your friends in the morning for saving you from this one.
3. Let The Drunk Texting Commence
Ding! Connor just texted you. Sober you would cringe. Drunk you is ten shots deep in tequila and couldn’t be happier. Ding! A random number just texted you. Twice. You respond, “Who I’d this?” realizing all the while that this must be that annoying guy from earlier. Ugh. Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Your friends are blowing up the group chat with pictures from the night. You’ll look at those in the morning to try to piece together the night. Ding! Text from Mom: “It’s 2 a.m. Why do you keep calling? Tell me about your night tomorrow. Love you.” Ding! Another text from Connor: “I’m on my way.” Shoot, did you tell him to come over? You’re not home right now. Where are you? Does he know? As you unlock your phone to give Connor a call on your current whereabouts, your phone dies. Oh well. You’ll just take this cab home. As you get in, you yell to the cab driver, “To Gumby’s!”
4. Food. Glorious, Glorious Food.
Courtesy: Gumby’s Pizza
You are lying if you say you’ve never found yourself shoveling Gumby’s pokey stix lathered in ranch down your throat at 2 a.m. We have all been there. You know you’re going to regret it in the morning when you wake up cuddling the Gumby’s pizza box, but you just don’t care. At 2 a.m., you ask, “What are calories?” not, “How many calories does this slice of pizza have?” You’re going to have to be at the gym for hours to help your body recover from the amount of pizza, ranch, and marinara sauce you consumed in these wee hours of the morning – if you can even get yourself out of bed and over that raging headache, that is.