Finals week is upon us. The campus is filled with half-dead students just trying to make it through the last week. Everyone is hoping to get the bare minimum needed to pass the class. I’m right there with you. But I’m not here to give you the same advice that you see everywhere on how to pass your exams (you know, things like: sleep well, eat breakfast, don’t cram, etc.). No, finals already suck, so let’s at least have a little fun with them. Here is how to most effectively fail your finals.
1. Don’t show up
Not showing up is probably the quickest and most effective way to fail your final. If you can afford to not show up and still pass the class, then don’t go. Why cause yourself the extra stress if you don’t have to? Go home or stay home. No one takes a test just for the fun of it.
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2. Don’t study
If you do insist on showing up, then just don’t study. If you haven’t learned the material by now, guess what? You’re not going to. Staying up all night in the hopes of cramming does not work. Don’t stress yourself out by not sleeping for days trying to understand the material from six Fridays ago taught while you were at happy hour. Not going to work out. Just don’t study. The libraries are crowded anyway.
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3. Cheat
If you really want to go big or go home, this is my suggestion for you. Because you will fail big time and most likely get sent home from university. If you’re going to get kicked out of college, don’t try to be smooth and cheat where you won’t get caught. That’s honestly just embarrassing. I’m talking about gluing your study guide to the water bottle type of cheating. You’re going to get caught, so might as well make it worth it.
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4. Pregame
If you don’t cheat and you still want to go to your final, there’s only one thing to do. Pregame. Here at Florida State, we pregame everything. Besides, did you really fail if you can’t remember it? It’s a great way to hang out with your friends from class one last time. There’s no better bonding activity than shot-gunning a y-bomb before your final. It will make the experience more enjoyable if anything.
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5. Celebrate
You’ve successfully completed your final. That means celebrate. Depending on what day your final is, get your squad together and go out. The pain of the semester is over. You deserve to have a little fun! Don’t worry about your other finals. Those are a problem for future you.
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Congratulations! You now have the training to effectively fail all of your finals. Just remember one last thing as you go forward and completely ruin your grade: finals are not everything. One grade does not determine your worth as a person. Your life will go on and the days will go by. Everything will work out just fine.