Courtesy: Sharon Szmuc
If you’re reading this it’s because you have no idea what you’re doing with your life either. If you’re reading this, it’s because you are tired of getting asked the same question over and over again: “Do you know your plans after graduation?”
To all the people who have asked me this question… no. I do not have any f*cking clue what I am doing after graduation, so please stop asking before I bite you. I am almost $20,000 in student loan debt, all my friends have paid internships lined up and some even have jobs with big companies like Amazon and Google. What do I have? My bedroom in my parents’ house waiting for me with the bed perfectly made and an old high school graduation photo of me placed on my desk to remind me of a time where I did, in fact, know what I was doing. I was going to be a freshman at Florida State University.
Three years later, a year ahead of schedule, and it’s the first time in my life that I have no idea what the future holds. See, I was always someone with a plan. I knew what I wanted to be since the age of eight: a writer. I was accepted into every university I ever applied for. I knew that I wanted to major in Creative Writing. I got accepted into the School of Communication by freshman year. I got published. I was on the Dean’s List all throughout college. I had the internship of my dreams in Jerusalem. But somewhere in the past few months, things just stopped going my way.
When I didn’t get accepted into Teach for America I figured it’s just because being a teacher isn’t my calling. I am currently waiting for Disney to answer me back on an internship, but I get more emails that say, “We regret to inform you…” more than I get emails asking to hire me. I check the Hearst website everyday seeing if there will be a job opening for Cosmopolitan as a writer. But I have a higher chance of it snowing in Miami than I have of getting hired. I hear people all around me plan out their summers to New York as they land their dream internships with some magazine or public relations firm. Though I am happy for the people around me, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever even be stepping foot in New York City. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever even leave the state of Florida.
I don’t want to go home. I don’t even know if I want to go to grad school. I even considered leaving to Israel for 10 months and teaching English abroad. I even thought of giving up and being a barista at Starbucks. Don’t get me wrong, I have applied to various job positions, but no one has called me back which makes me wonder if I am over qualified or not qualified at all.
There are days where I want to give up on writing.
There are days where I even look on websites to audition for reality shows. Sorry MTV, I do not want to be a teen mom nor am I being catfished.
There are days where I cry to my boyfriend, telling him that I am not good enough.
There are days where I wonder why all of this matters.
There are days where I wish the system didn’t make every undergrad graduate feel as if they need to have all their life planned out by tomorrow.
I really don’t even know who is going to sublease my apartment for the summer. I have no idea what job I am going to have. I have no idea if I even want to be a writer. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. And that’s okay.
But to all the people who asked, “What are you doing after graduation?” Here’s your answer: It’s none of your business.
I’ve been struggling for the past few months wondering what I am going to do and for someone who always has a plan, not having a plan is a lesson I need to learn. If I continue to rush into things and accept a job I am not passionate about, even though the pay is wonderful and would help pay off my student loans it would be me going against everything I believe in. It would be me going against the reasons of why I did major in what I love to do.
I don’t know what I am doing with my life and that’s okay. I think I’ll go home first and figure things out. I think I will first pop champagne on my 21st birthday. I think I’ll first enjoy graduation. I think I’ll first cry… and cry… and then laugh and then I’ll relax because I should be proud of my first accomplishment: graduating a year earlier. It means I have a whole lot of time to figure out what to do with my life.
I recently heard James Franco speak at our university and he was asked, “What would you have told your college self?” To which he said that he would have done at least one thing that made him happy and surrounded himself with people that shared the same passions he had. I realized at that moment, that it didn’t really matter that I don’t know what I am doing with my life because at least I have a clear idea of what I want to be doing with my life. And having an idea is better than not having an idea at all.
Maybe I’ll go on a road trip, maybe I’ll be a waitress, maybe I’ll be a receptionist, maybe I land my dream job, maybe I don’t do any of the above and I lay in a bed for one second and learn to relax. I learn to take deep breaths. I learn that where I am meant to be is where I’ll end up. I learn that where I get lost also leads me to where I am meant to end up. I learn that those who ask you what you are doing after graduation are only asking because they don’t know what they are doing either.
Because in all honesty, do we ever really know where our life is headed?
Being a Seminole, I have learned the concept of arrows. Lately, I have been pushed back only because when you are pushed back from something you are about to be flown into something better.
There are days where I want to give up on writing.
There are days where I am glad it’s the only thing I know I love doing.
There are days where I do know what I am doing after graduation.
There are days where I want to continue writing.
To all those seniors graduating who have no idea what they are doing with their lives: always remember to do whatever the f*ck will make you happy.
Love,
A Senior Who Hopes to Be Hired Soon