My biggest fear is unfulfilled potential.
I have always pushed myself extremely hard. I got a rush whenever I succeeded in something difficult. I felt proud when I was able to manage a lot of things on my plate, and then some. Complacency was only in my vocabulary to tell myself it simply wasn’t an option. I never felt out of place, I was inspired by successful people, I felt confident and sure of myself. This worked out well for me for a long time. In fact, it worked for me up until college.
During my first semester of college, it got to a point where I was trying to do everything at once. To prove to myself I could do it and to prove to other people that I could do it too, even though no one was on the other end waiting to see what I could do. I was performing on a stage with an invisible audience. I felt like a phony. I didn’t deserve the praise I was getting and I was sure of it. I was at the height of my professional life, yet I assured myself there were other girls out there just like me, and they were doing so much more. Those girls deserved it more, they were smarter, faster, kinder, and harder working. They weren’t fake like I was, they didn’t get by on luck like I thought I was. I may have privilege in my personal life, but in no way did that luck transfer to my professional life. I got to where I am because I worked for it and I deserved it. None of it was handed to me, no matter how many times I told myself it was.
This is impostor syndrome and it is plaguing teen girls everywhere. Yes, it’s possible to be on top of your professional career and still feel like you could be doing more, like you should be doing more. Impostor syndrome is found mostly in high achieving woman. Ironically, those whom work the hardest often feel like they don’t deserve the success they’ve achieved or praise they’ve been given. In addition, they think that others perceive them in the same way. Victims of impostor syndrome wait to be “found-out” for someone else to finally catch on and say “you don’t deserve this”.
People who suffer from impostor syndrome deal with a type of anxiety that tells them they’re not good enough. When I was truly on top of my game and didn’t feel like a phony, of course I had my doubts, but they weren’t controlling me. I let my anxieties run my life during my first semester of college. I would raise my hand in class to answer a question and while I was sure I knew the right answer, something made me say “…at least that’s what I think it meant?” at the end of my response. When people would ask what I was studying I would confidently say journalism, but in my head a little voice would whisper “you’ll never make it.”
I was continuously looking for validation from other people, because I refused to give it to myself. I simply told myself I wasn’t smart enough and that whatever I did, someone else could obviously do better. I compared myself to all the other people around me: a habit I had never had before.
What shook me the most was the notion that this could happen to me. I went from being confident in myself and my abilities, to feeling fake whenever I said, “Don’t worry! I can handle it,” in a matter of mere weeks. Because even though I knew I couldn’t handle the weight of my own world, I told myself I could. I didn’t want to admit that I needed to take a step back. Everyone has their doubts and insecurities, but I was allowing my self-inflicted anxieties to take control of my life. I had no idea how to react to a problem I had never dealt with before. I didn’t feel like myself.
But you don’t have to live your life like this. You can learn to shut that fraud voice up. Since spring semester has started, it has popped up, but I know I’m not an impostor. I’m not a fake. I’m not a phony. I’m not a fraud. I tell that voice “Yeah, yeah, I know I suck at writing, but can we discuss this later I’m busy right now?” If you don’t have true confidence in yourself, no one else will have confidence in you either.