I was 17 when I first began self-harming. My mood had dropped, and I felt incredibly lost. My mental health journey was just beginning, and it felt like a never-ending battle. Looking back, I wish I could have reassured myself that things would work out, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to be a long, hard journey.
After seeing multiple therapists, private and NHS based, I was eventually hospitalised for feeling so low that I didn’t feel safe at home. I was self-harming daily and nothing in my life felt meaningful. Whilst in hospital, the nurses noticed that I had not been eating, and after being weighed, I was referred to the Eating Disorders service for young people. I was soon diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, and I had to go back to the hospital every week after being discharged to be weighed. I began restricting my food intake more and more, and my BMI dropped to a dangerous level.
In May 2014, I was admitted into the Haldon Unit, an inpatient programme for people aged 16+ suffering from severe eating disorders. I was under constant supervision – meal times, after meal times, bathroom breaks – everything was monitored. I had a weight gain meal plan, and daily therapy (group, individual, art, etc). The first few weeks were hell on earth. I was terrified, exhausted and constantly fighting the Anorexia that was in my head.
I was in the Haldon Unit for 5 months, and I can’t explain how important that inpatient stay was in terms of my recovery. The therapeutic input, combined with the weight gain, enabled me to stay within a healthy weight range and enjoy a ‘normal’ lifestyle. The support from the staff was incredible and I made friends for life in there.
I met my best friend in hospital, as she was also struggling with Anorexia. Our journey’s have been different but we have been through it together. I asked her for a quote on her experience of mental health and how to seek help:
“Recovery is not always easy, and it might not always go to plan, but it is so worth it. Personally, I’ve still got some distance to go but reaching out and getting help has given me the tools and support I need to get there. Recovery is so hard to accomplish on your own so please, please reach out to someone if you think you need help, or know someone who you think might need help, and keep reaching out until you get it.”
The moral of this story is, even though I felt like I had no idea what was happening to me or why, but support is always there. Talking to someone, telling them you’re struggling, it can make all the difference. If I hadn’t been so open with my mum when I began self-harming, it would have made things more difficult when the Anorexia began to creep in, and I would have suffered in silence. I am now 21 and I am a healthy weight, on a normal diet and can go out for a meal without crying at a menu. I have also been free from self-harm for over three years.
Anorexic thoughts still linger from time to time, but getting treatment allowed me to manage these thoughts. Mental Health is something that has the potential to manifest in anyone, and this is why we must talk about it as much as possible. Anorexia is not a dirty word, and the stigma around Mental Health must be challenged. I’ll finish this article with a photo that sums up my journey, and the progress I have made – to me, the biggest difference here is my smile: