When I Met Him
I’ve never been the girl that needs a boyfriend. I was always independent and fine by myself, until I met him. It’s not like I would have just anyone as my boyfriend. It was different with him, I only wanted him. When we met I completely overlooked him and didn’t feel that immediate attraction. I also wasn’t looking for a relationship when we met. He was cute and all, but it wasn’t until we started getting closer that I fell for him and his personality. His laugh was infectious to me and we just clicked. I kept thinking, he is just so funny.
My anxieties faded away when I was with him. He had a power over me, making me feel a comfort I hadn’t had before. I felt safe when I was with him. I felt as if I could never be brought down.
When I met him, I guess you could say he was long gone, in the words of Taylor Swift. I was ready for this new, exciting journey with him, but I guess he wasn’t. It took me by surprise and I felt my heart drop when he pulled away. It hurt. It still hurts. But even so I can’t call him a bad guy, because he’s not. He’s the sweetest guy. I still believe that. I suppose perhaps that why I have a difficult time moving on.
I saw something real with him. The brief, fleeting time we spent together when I look back at it in flashes and memories, was perfect. It was perfect to me anyway. My hopeless romantic took over. I got ahead of myself and let myself believe he cared and wouldn’t hurt me.
I trusted him, and I think part of me still does. Part of me wishes he’d come back to me, but he never does. If he wanted to he would have, my friends tell me as they try to help. It’s hard to hear because he played me so well I thought he wanted this too. I thought we were on the same page, the same chapter, but we weren’t even in the same book.
When I met him I was a freshman. A freshman with big dreams and an even bigger heart. A heart that wasn’t prepared to get knocked around and shut down. I feel deeply and fall hard, but that’s just who I am. Although I have many questions for him, of what went wrong, why he did this, what he’s feeling, if he ever really liked me, I don’t think I’ll ever get the answers.
I want closure. I want to know. I’m like Monica from Friends, I need to know these things. I’m not the person who can just “let it go.” I wish he would respond to my texts. I wish he would know he can be honest and tell me. I wish he knew I still cared and I’m not over him. But in college it’s hard to find an actual mature relationship so I don’t know what I expected when I met him.
I guess, as my girl Taylor once said, “maybe it’s me and my blind optimism to blame.”
For any girls out there like me going through anything similar, you are not alone. I am here for you. It’s hard to have feelings and put them out there, yet we continue to do so in hopes that maybe, just maybe, this time things will work out in our favor.