The Trials and Temptations of Remaining a Virgin

Photo by Hope Kauffman

They are impossible to avoid. They are on every television channel, in every magazine, and splattered across every billboard. You know you’ve seen them: messages for twenty-something-year-olds concerning “safe sex”, unexpected pregnancies, and the risk of STDs. The focus is predominantly on those who have made the choice to explore their sexuality during the college years. And why not? After all, sex has become a common, if not accepted, part of college life. Movies like American Pie (1999) and The 18-Year-Old Virgin (2009) glorify the idea of losing virginity before college. Very little regard is given to those who have made the conscious choice to not engage in sexual relations at this early stage in the game of life. The college virgin has became a rare minority making the cliché lines of high school abstinence posters splattered with taglines like “EVERYBODY’S DOING IT!” a seeming reality. Somewhere along the line, sex became the new black. It’s easy to wonder why some chose not to hop on the bandwagon and remain virgins. The choice to stay a virgin goes beyond the physical meaning of the word nowadays. Gaining a greater understanding of ones self and relationships, along with abstaining from sex until marriage, are the primary goals. It is not just about losing out on a particular physical act; it is about what is gained from abstaining from that act.

Channah Barkhordari, a Writing Literature and Publishing Major, Class of 2011, made the decision to stay a virgin until marriage at a young age. She was raised Orthodox Jewish in what she describes as, “a profoundly Jewish home.” For Barkhordari, the decision to stay a virgin has not affected her social life much at all. Barkhordari has, however, had to face some of the social stigmas surrounding virgins.

“During my first week at Emerson,” says Barkhordari. “Someone asked the “who’s still a virgin” question. When I said that I was, he was really surprised. He was embarrassed for a second because I’d noticed his reaction, but then he said something like ‘I just wasn’t expecting that because you’re pretty.’ I wasn’t exactly flattered. I think his comment says a lot about the stigma given to the status, and who’s more likely to be a virgin, which in my opinion is just sad.”

The definition of “virgin” has come to encompass more than just “has not had sexual intercourse.” In her book Female Chauvinist Pigs, Ariel Levy discusses the new parts in this definition. “Sex appeal,” Levy writes, “Has become a synecdoche of all appeal.” Sex has become a tool and even a form of feminism. Sex positive feminism, a movement that began in the early 1980s, centers on the notion that sexual freedom is a key part of women’s freedom. In 2009, sex positive feminism has grown to include cardio striptease classes and Playboy bunny necklaces. Sex positive feminists argue that sex empowers women. Gayle Rubin, a feminist author, spoke in 1984 about the conflict over sex empowering women.

“There have been two strains of feminist thought on the subject,” says Rubin. “One tendency has criticized the restrictions on women's sexual behavior and denounced the high costs imposed on women for being sexually active...This tradition of feminist sexual thought has called for a sexual liberation that would work for women as well as for men. The second tendency has considered sexual liberalization to be inherently a mere extension of male privilege. This tradition resonates with conservative, anti-sexual discourse.”

The question begs to be asked: can sex be empowering? Or, rather, does sex change a woman and her relationships? Christine Allen, a Writing, Literature, and Publishing major, Class of 2012, was raised Catholic conservative and planned on staying a virgin until marriage. However, after a two year relationship based upon a mutual understanding and respect for one another, Allen began to think differently, and after a deciding process that took about four months, Allen decided to engage in premarital sex with her boyfriend.

“Sex is a spirtual thing. The Bible says no sex before marriage. What is God going to say? Is he going to be mad? Is he going to accept it?” she says. “But, it didn’t really change anything,” she says. “If anything, I felt closer to him.”

Both Allen and Barkhordari admit to the social pressures regarding sex and both adamantly disagree with this idea. “Sex being a social pressure is one of the most depressing things in today’s society,” says Barkhordari.

Perhaps the issue is not what you do, but why you do it. There is a difference between “sex” as an amusing abstraction and “sex” as genuine love. There is a difference between “virginity” as a conscious choice that one is proud of and “virginity” as something you feel forced into. Both Allen and Barkhordari describe their choices as being made for themselves, not for society or the gleaming, but superficial prospect, of being the most desired female in school. Both, in turn, feel empowered and in control because of those decisions.

“Sex is not a game,” says Allen. “Whether I’m having it or not, I’m not going to play any games with it or my life.”

This article is featured in the winter 2010 issue of em magazine at Emerson College