You don’t know long distance until you have done it. You might think it’s easy, (it’s not), or may even think you could never do it. My mum said to me just the other day ‘remember when you told me you could never do a long distance relationship?’ – Now here I am, 6 months in and going strong. I just want to start off by saying I can’t give a step by step guide to a long distance relationship that will guarantee it lasts. It very much depends on a few factors:
1. The type of person you are.
Are you trusting and secure in yourself? These are two qualities very necessary in a long distance relationship. If you have trust issues or insecurities (perhaps due to past experience and through no fault of your own) then the relationship is likely to collapse as it will no longer be enjoyable for either of you.
Are you an active and busy person with lots of commitments? If you are, a long distance relationship can often be a good thing. While you are away from each other, you will find you have so much more time to participate in fun and productive things. You might feel jealous of your housemate snuggled up with her boyfriend, but just think of how smug you will feel when you have met all your deadlines and had time to go out and have fun.
2. The Relationship.
You have to consider what you personally want from a relationship. If you are the type of person who needs regular cuddles, attention and quality time with the one you love then maybe a long distance relationship isn’t for you. Of course, everyone likes to have those things all the time, but it is whether you think the relationship is still worth it if you can’t have them every day, or even every week.
Is there enough faith and trust? In order to last the distance a relationship needs solid foundations; it is not something that should be entered into half-heartedly. Nor should you be worrying that they will meet someone else; if they have made a commitment to you, they should be trusted in that commitment. If they mess it up- it’s their loss!
3. The circumstances
How long are you actually going to be apart? The most important thing to remember about a long distance relationship is that they are only ever temporary. Naturally, human beings have to settle into a ‘home’ with someone they love. If you are in a Long Distance relationship you should also be looking towards a future together, planning on living nearer to, if not with each other. This is the only thing that will give it a solid enough foundation to last for any period of time. Even if the relationship is working long distance you should naturally want to live much closer and spend more time with them, when you can.
If you feel all those factors apply to you, then here are some tips to keep the relationship strong and happy!
· Plan to see each other, but don’t plan too much!
If you live far away obviously for costs and convenience you need to plan ahead, but it should never be pressurised. There should be no ‘I need to visit him 4 times this term, so I need to fit that in.’ Seeing the person you are with should seem like a holiday or a treat, not an obligation. Plan a few trips, but then also have some spontaneous visits. If you both have a free weekend, go meet in the middle, or surprise one another. Or for Christmas, get them a weekend away with you at a place you know they would love to visit. It keeps the relationship fun and exciting, rather than a chore.
· Communication is key.
Thanks to technological miracles (as I call them), the days of anxiously waiting for a loved one’s letters are over. (although that does sound kind of romantic) There are so many different ways to keep in contact now and long distance relationships can make use of all of them. You should have a running text or Facebook convo constantly, in which you send each other funny videos, songs or pictures of things that happen. This doesn’t mean messaging every hour, it just means keeping them involved with your life, as if they were with you. Speaking on the phone is also important: call them up when on a long walk back from something. If you have both been out, you can have a late chat when you get in, with all the news from the night.
· ALL kinds of communication.
If you feel like you’re missing out on the more physical aspects of your relationship, there are ways to keep connected this way too. Make use of skype and snapchat if you want to, just make sure you do so safely and being aware of the consequences.
Otherwise you can use skype to watch films at the same time together, almost as though you are in the same room.
· Talk and Listen.
Not just how you communicate, but what you say exactly is important for long distance. If something is upsetting you, you need to open up. When you are far away from each other it is difficult to know when someone is feeling down, or why they might be stressed or upset. Misunderstandings occur and that’s when the arguments start. There is no point trying to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t, if they care about you, even if they are far away, they will know something is up. The best thing to do is to get it off your chest. You should also be ready to listen and try and empathise with them whenever possible. People can seem angry or unreasonable, often because something has worried or upset them and it’s important to get to the root of this to avoid a huge argument.
· Appreciate each other.
You might both live different lives but you should never make them feel like an unimportant part of your life. You need to remind each other occasionally why you chose to stay together, despite the distance and why it is worth it. This also relies on communication: if you feel they are not appreciating you enough, you have to tell them to avoid developing resentment towards them. Equally you need to tell them how much they mean to you, even if you’re not a fan of the soppy stuff. Something as simple as ‘I really enjoyed chatting with you, it made my day’ when it is genuine, can make the world of difference.
There’s no point in sugar-coating it. Long Distance is hard, but do it right and you can emerge from your separation a stronger couple than ever. If it’s a relationship worth having, it should be worth waiting for.
I hope you can all snuggle up with your loved one at some point this winter, that’s what I am counting on…