1. Double pictures
“A selfie so hot I’ve provided one for each eye”.
2. Throwbacks
“Take me back to summer when I had no revision” aka “I’m going to feign nostalgia so I can give this bikini banger the likes it deserves”.
3. Parents
“Happy mother’s day to this one” – your mum doesn’t even know what Instagram is, you just think you look great in that pic.
4. The poached egg
It’s a f****** egg?
5. Closely followed by her slimy counterpart…the ‘avo’
The avocado was first documented in Europe by Martín Fernández de Enciso in 1519. We know what it is.
6. The dog filter
Need I elaborate?
7. Feet / stomach / legs overlooking the ocean
“I could just post a picture of this glorious tropical view…but people might not believe I’m actually here if I don’t get my belly ring in it.”
8. My fave / my bestfriend
Cute but you’ve said that about 27 other people?
9. Chinese symbols in bios
Unless you are a) Chinese or b) fluent in Chinese, don’t go there.
10. Gym pictures
If you don’t post a #gains pic did you even go?
11. Holiday bathroom pics
It’s no better than putting up an underwear-mirror-selfie from your downstairs loo in Surrey.
12. The smoothie
You’re reaping the health benefits of all those nutrients! Great. I don’t care. And neither do you, you just want likes.
13. Extraordinary quotes captioning ordinary pictures
“Be the change you want to see in this world.” Great but it’s just you zoning out in Klute?
14. New shoes
Spoiler alert? Now everyone’s seen them you may as well return them and get your money back. Also, no feet thanks.
15. Valentines posts
Hey #luckygirl – it’s a day for you and your loved one, don’t bring us into it.
16. Spoilt girl Christmas posts
“He’s been!” Wow all those presents – I bet you didn’t even fill a Christmas child shoebox.
17. There’s no excuse for this picture ‘emoji’ caption
“This selfie is rather narcissistic but hey SHY MONKEY!”
18. Tan line photos
Do you want to appear any more British?
19. Tattoos
“I want this tattoo *heart face emoji*” – come back and post when you’ve got the darn tattoo you chicken.
20. “…Makes me happy” captions
“Sun makes me happy”, “alcohol makes me happy”, “new running gear makes me happy”. Please no.