TRIGGER WARNING: Rape, Sexual Assault, Relationship Violence, Violence
Earlier this semester I attended a workshop for OneLove, which is a foundation founded to honor Yeardly Love, a college student who unfortunately was a victim of relationship violence. This foundation honors her by teaching young adults the difference between healthy relationships and toxic, unhealthy relationships, because the unfortunate truth is that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men will, at one point in their life, experience relationship violence. For many young adults these stories remain in the dark, we hide the truth in fear of what others will think, say or do. We think we can handle things on our own, but the truth is we can’t and there is no shame in that. During this workshop I found myself relating to a lot of the warning signs. I have been in my fair share of abusive relationships, and I can say that it takes a toll on you emotionally and mentally. Getting out of those relationships was the hardest, yet best decision I had ever made.
In high school I dated this guy who seemed to be into the same things I was into; we took the same photography class and we were shared the same friends. What I didn’t realize is all the signs for an unhealthy relationship were there, I just didn’t know. He had told me about his past suicidal tendencies but he assured me it was in the past and he wasn’t like that anymore. He started to get paranoid about other guys I would text and then started to tell me I couldn’t talk to them anymore. Then started to ask for my passwords and when I didn’t give them to him he would say I had something hide and he would be possessive and would get aggressive at times grabbing me too tightly, but I never said anything to anyone because I just kept thinking people act different when they’re mad. When my best friend asked what was happening I told her and she said what he was doing wasn’t normal and it wasn’t a healthy relationship. When I tried to bring up the topic of breaking up he would break down and tell me that he’d never been happier and even bring up suicide. It scared me so I did nothing, I stayed in the relationship. It took me a while before I finally couldn’t take it and went to someone else for help. They reassured me everything would be ok and he was a most likely “bluffing,” and that it wasn’t right of him to force me to stay out of fear and that if he really cared as much as he was saying then he would want me to feel safe and happy. I spoke to him a few days later and told him that I would always be there to talk to him but the feelings that were once there weren’t anymore. When I finally ended it, I felt a physical weight lift off and that I could finally breath. This was not the only case of abuse I had faced.
The summer after that year I met another guy, he was so nice and sweet at first and he seemed to genuinely like me. We would hang out, me and my friends and him and his friends. Then we started to hang just to two of us. I could tell he wanted to take things further, but I wasn’t ready. I had never had sex so I wanted to make sure that this was going to be something serious, but I also really liked him and was worried he’d leave (which alone should have been a sign to me). So one day he showed up in my neighborhood with one of his friends and we drove to a school playground near me (it was summer so no one was there). A school playground, what used to be one of the most innocent places to go. It was fine at first until, as if planned, his friend had gone off somewhere and we ended up alone.
He started to get aggressive and pushy (physically pushy). I always blame myself for the events that followed because I would agree to everything but sex and it was evident that sex was the end goal for him but it wasn’t mine. I went along with his games thinking there was something more there, but it was clear from the begging that wasn’t the case, I was too blind to see that. It was as if I had been dangling a treat in front of a dog, and sooner or later I would get bit. Which is what ended up happening; the two of us started to hook up and one thing lead to another and soon enough I was laying on the ground with my pants pulled down and my arms held down by his friend. I didn’t know what to do so I just started yelling and crying hoping that maybe they’d feel bad and stop but they didn’t. The only thing I have to thank for ending those few minutes of misery was my phone alarm sounding loudly. They stopped, got themselves together and left.
Both events happened when I was a freshman in high school, and it took until freshman year of college for me to have any kind of discussion about dating violence. Had I learned about any kind of warning signs of relationship abuse I think things would have been different. At this point there is nothing to be done to change what happened, but we can teach young adults about healthy relationships because abuse can happen at any age, and there is no age restriction on educating people on these topics. Unfortunately relationship abuse can also span out to include abuse and violence within families, which can make it even harder to find someone you can trust and talk to. Which makes it all the more important to educate young adults about what is healthy and what isn’t as well as what others can do to help support their friends. Telling your story is only half the battle, but it’s a good start.