The recent Hurricane Irma memes about Floridians being a bunch of crazy weirdos wielding alligator skin guns, fake teeth, a loose connotation to crack, and subsequently shooting at a natural disaster, made me miss my home. Florida, if you weren’t aware, is the number one state for horrifyingly funny mugshot headlines, stories surrounding orgies in geriatric facilities, and lest we forget the “face-eating” scandals (I emphasize the plural here) of years past.
Now I know all of you New-Englanders, Midwesterners, and Southerners (Florida isn’t in the south, it might as well be an island in the arctic) like to poke fun at us. And I know that when I introduce myself to people as a Floridian, they mentally remind themselves that I could have a warrant for indecent exposure and to reach for their pepper spray accordingly.
But Florida, with its disparate groupings of jaded elderly New York transplants and backwoods alligator folk, in fact, is less of a carnival (and I should know since my hometown inspired American Horror Story’s Season Freak Show) and more of a beautiful ecosystem comparable to a dysfunctional family reunion.
People, for the most part, reject the notion that I’m a Floridian, seemingly because I’m paler than a German tourist’s left butt cheek on holiday in St. Barts. Since I lack the accumulated “leathery-70s couch” skin texture and I don’t own a vast array of tailored white Miami vice suits, I don’t exactly scream “beach babe vibe.” But honestly, I am from that great old, crazy state. So here’s a list of the bizarre, but fond experiences of my childhood growing up in a state that I’m surprised hasn’t yet been disowned. (Frankly, the only reason I think they keep us around is ’cause we’re like the wild-card in the friend group that’s used as intimidation leverage).
1. Peanut Butter Bandit
You might not have caught it on the news. But over the summer an Alabama prisoner escaped his cell with a jar of peanut butter, fled to Florida (because where else would he go), and subsequently was arrested in front of my best friend’s home.
2. Marco, Polo, Alligator!
Because I’m from Florida, I was obligatorily given a chlorinated pool upon birth. But before you get jealous of our eternal, endless summer, we also have an unending variety of wildlife that likes to get in said pools. Suffice it to say that we’ve found an alligator, coral snakes, and my drunk auntie floating in our pool at one point or another.
3. Walmart
If you think Walmart is bizarre in your state, try Walmart in Florida. 3 a.m. I’ve never seen more bizarre outfit choices, shadily confusing purchases, and disregard for human decency anywhere else on planet earth. The best things I’ve seen, I’ve likely blocked out of my memory due to trauma. But of what I can recall, I once spotted a woman double-fisting two gallon jugs of ice cream and then watched as she subsequently ate both of them in the parking lot, alone, unassisted. (Arguably less bizarre, and more relatable af).
4. Publix:
Publix, which has now condescended to spread outside of its Florida home, is the BOMB. Y’all can shove Harris Teeter’s up your North Carolina pie holes. Publix subs (the most infamous of which is the chicken tender sub with cheese and mayo) are well-worth having to avoid eye contact with the shoeless boogie men that sometimes wander Publix’s aisles.
5. Clown Encounters of The Third Kind:
Once upon a time, I worked at an office near a park in southern Florida. On my way back home, I spotted a man sporting tri-colored curly hair and the closest thing to a cartoonish hobo nap sack that one can imagine. I thought about asking if he needed help because he seemed lost. I recounted the incident to my mother who promptly sent me an article –the headline to the effect of “Clown Haired Man Wields Large Kitchen Knife at Family Park.” Low and behold it was him. In the clowny flesh. Moral of the story, don’t try to be nice to people in Florida, they might just be killer clowns.
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