Confidence – What It Really Is and How to Use It Properly
“Love yourself, be confident, accept who you are!” We hear things like this all the time, and we avidly preach these narratives ourselves, but what exactly is it we are really pushing for? The “self-love” talk is easy, until you open literally any social media app, look at almost any advertisement, open up a magazine. Even looking in the mirror some days quiets our little self-assured spirits. We know that unrealistic beauty standards are all around us, and unfortunately that’s probably still going to take a while to change, if we ever collectively get there as a society.
So the question of the hour; “what really is confidence anyway?” “What does practicing self-love really mean?” “I believe it’s important to love yourself, I encourage other people to love themselves, but I struggle to know how to practice it myself.” If we can nail down exactly what it is, maybe it will be easier for us to obtain, and once we have it, then we can actively share it with others.
This next part is important, self-care, as i’ve talked about before, is a very personal practice, and confidence is only a small part of everything self-care entails. So for the sake of time, we are just going to focus on the concept of confidence in this article.
Confidence is defined by Merriam-Webster as “a feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances.” That’s not too hard of a concept to wrap your head around. The hard part is understanding what confidence actually looks like when it’s executed out there in the real world. By the real world I mean IN PERSON INTERACTION. Confidence is an easy game to fake over instagram, an essay, a resume, a linkedin profile, a facebook comment, I could go on.
True confidence, like the real deal, is one of those things that is hard to put into words, but you know it when you see it. Hopefully these important points (and relevant gifs) help you understand what confidence really is and how to use it properly.
First: You can NOT control the way others perceive and think about you, no matter how hard you try, so LET IT GO. Once you recognize that your opinion is the one that matters the most you will begin living life completely differently (and be much happier, might I add). Your truth is the only truth that matters!!!
You shouldn’t be afraid to be confident, more specifically, you shouldn’t be afraid for others to see that you are confident. When you are a confident person other people WILL call you conceited, arrogant, vain, etc. Be calm, embrace it, because the thing is people who are confident in themselves won’t be bothered by your confidence. People who attack others for being confident are usually the most insecure. We all know them, these are the people who are so unhappy with themselves that they drag other people down to try and feel better about themselves. Seriously, these people will HATE you so much for LOVING yourself. You can’t change these people, you can’t help them. You simply have to understand their issues are deeply rooted within themselves, their hateful actions are the manifestation of their unhappiness, and the only person who can help them, is themselves.
The way you treat and view yourself is what sets the tone for how other people are going to treat you. Be confident in the things you’ve said and done. Be honest and back yourself up because if you can’t then how will you find someone else who will? If you are putting yourself down, vocalizing your self-doubt, being negative about yourself and your life then other people are going to feed off of that negative energy. When others see you as vulnerable and insecure about something it just gives them a reason to go after you. Do not make yourself smaller just to make someone else feel good about themselves. Don’t dull your shine to make someone else feel sparkly.
Confidence begins from the inside out, but when it comes to using it properly, know that confidence is more than just your mindset, it also has a lot to do with how you carry yourself. Look people in the eye when you talk to them, chin up, shoulders back, you deserve to take up space in this world, so act like it.
Confidence is also about investing in yourself. Invest in your health, stay active and eat healthy as much as you can. Invest in your mind, educate yourself, embrace new experiences, let yourself always continue to learn and grow. Invest in your time, don’t waste time with negative people/energy.
If you get the urge to judge or bring down another girl, stop yourself. You don’t need to comment on her mess. Just be quiet, it will keep your internal energy positive and your external energy clean. Try to rid yourself of your tea sipping, shade throwing, finsta complaining, petty behaviors and habits. Stop seeking revenge. Karma will get you for that. If someone does you wrong be thankful for the lesson and MOVE ON. Let me be clear though, this does NOT mean that you shouldn’t’t stand up for yourself. If someone comes for you, slanders you, threatens you, fight for yourself. There’s a huge difference between a hasty/petty action and a justified reaction.
Let’s take a moment to address how other people deal with confident women. Many men feel extremely threatened by assertive, confident women. They will call you a every degrading female name in the book, and then do it again. This is because you scare the hell out of them. NEVER MIND THEM. A real man will love your confidence, and encourage you to keep it up, he will know you both can be successful and confident at the same time.
You also will encounter a lot of “friends” who internally compete with you, subtly put you down, diss you in a sneaky way. NEVER MIND THEM. Do not keep these toxic people around!!! Often people will keep putting energy into toxic friendships or relationships and then wonder why they are so insecure. While it’s hard to disassociate from someone who once was a good friend, subjecting yourself to their constant, unwarranted criticism will take a serious toll on your confidence. GET RID OF THEM!
Realize that everyone has something unique and valuable to offer, and one person’s value does not diminish another person’s value, so there is NO NEED to compete. Just stay in your lane! Cheer each other on! Help other people be confident! Stand up for yourself and others! You shouldn’t have to unscrew someone else’s light bulb so that you can shine. Confidence is about lifting others up with you as you rise, make the people around you feel as good as you do!
William James once said, “Most people live in a restricted circle of potential.”
The reason so many people can’t manage to reach their full potential and self-actualization isn’t because they aren’t smart enough, talented enough, don’t have the opportunity/resources, it’s because they don’t believe in themselves. Tons of people think that confidence is something you have to be born with, like clear skin or shiny hair . WRONG! Confidence is a result of a growth mindset, not a fixed mindset. Confidence is the outcome of the way you think and act. It’s like a play-dough machine, put the pink ball of play-dough confidence in one one end, push down on the lever and bright pink play-dough noodles of accomplishments and happiness will come out on the other side. Confidence has NOTHING to do with your ability to be successful, and everything to do with your belief in your ability to be successful. SO go out and apply for that internship you want so badly, sign up for cross-fit, join a club, try that new edgy makeup look, write an article, share your art with other people, publish that series of poetry, speak up for what you believe in during your class, apply for a job or promotion, change your major, add a minor, take on more than you ever thought you could handle and then take on some more. I promise, it will be worth it in the end.
Okay, if you still aren’t convinced that confidence is a choice, i’m gonna go all psychology major on you for a second. The human brain has this fun little feature called neuroplasticity which is defined as “the brain’s ability to adapt to change across the lifespan and to rewire itself” Do you know what that means? You can literally start to form new neural connections in your brain to promote a growth mindset, and therefore promote confidence. The other great thing? You can utilize your brain’s neuroplasticity at any age or stage of your life. So if you’ve been timid and self-conscious your whole life, don’t you dare think it’s too late! Take these tools and steps and go kick-ass with your newly found confidence. With consistent effort, conscious thinking/ actions, and a lot of courage, your confidence can only grow from here.