There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental illnesses which can make it hard to understand what your loved one is going through. If you want to help them but are feeling lost and unsure of how to do so, I’ve gathered some tips in hopes of offering some of the best ways to support someone with depression.
1. Acknowledge their illness
It is important to understand that your loved one can’t just “snap out of it,” said psychiatrist Dr. Gail Saltz, the author of Anatomy of a Secret Life: Are the People in Your Life Hiding Something You Should Know, on oprah.com. She explained the need to recognize depression as a mental illness—more than half of the United States still believes depression is the result of personal weakness, she said.
What you shouldn’t say:
Someone else has it worse than you do.
There are children starving in Africa right now.
What you can say:
You’re not alone in this.
Just because someone else has it worse doesn’t mean another person’s feelings of depression aren’t valid. Think of it this way: if you say your friend shouldn’t be sad because someone else is sadder, would that also imply they shouldn’t be happy because someone else is happier?
2. Learn about depression
This is particularly useful for several reasons. First off, it’s important to understand the symptoms. Depression isn’t something that just goes away. There are good days and there are bad days. By familiarizing yourself with the symptoms, it will be easier for you to recognize the signs when your loved one is having another episode or a particularly difficult day.
The symptoms for depression include fatigue, distorted thinking, sleep problems and irritability, among others. It’s not always easy to be sympathetic about some of these symptoms. Trying to be supportive of someone who is grumpy and snapping at you can be difficult. If you recognize this as a symptom of depression, however, it might help you be more understanding.
“Depression is not a static illness,” said Dr. Deborah Serani in a psychcentral.com article. Serani is a psychologist who has struggled with depression herself. “There is an ebb and flow to symptoms that many non-depressed people misunderstand… An adult who’s feeling hopeless may still laugh at a joke, and a child who’s in despair may still attend class, get good grades and even seem cheerful.”
What you shouldn’t say:
Get over it.
Deal with it.
I’ve been in a bad mood lately too but you don’t see me lashing out.
What you can say:
That sounds hard. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.
3. Take care of yourself
In order to support your loved one in their battle with depression, you need to keep your strength up. Here are a few tips:
Be open and honest with your loved one. It’s important you let them know when they’ve upset you. Don’t let any resentment build. Depression already makes people feel like they’re a burden to the world and so the last thing they need is a loved one validating such a horrible feeling out of frustration.
Stick to your routine as much as you can. You may make some changes to you schedule in order to help your loved one, but don’t turn your life upside down for them.
It is understandable and encouraged for you to seek support as well. There is no harm in seeing a therapist or psychologist to discuss how your loved one’s depression is affecting you. This can also be a good place to seek tips on how to help.
4. Ensure medical care and support
“If someone breaks their leg, they are taken to a doctor or hospital. If someone has depression, they need medical care and psychosocial support,” said Dr. Jackie Gollan, an assistant professor in the department of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago. Hugs can only go so far, which is why it’s important your loved one talk to their doctor and are given medication and/or seek therapy.
What you shouldn’t say:
So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?
What you can say:
You’re not crazy.
5. Be there for them
“When I was struggling with my own depression, the most healing moments came when someone I loved simply sat with me while I cried, or wordlessly held my hand, or spoke warmly to me with statements like ‘You’re so important to me,’” said Serani.
People with depression tend to isolate themselves because they don’t want to “bother” other people. It is crucial that you stay in contact and continue to visit your loved one in order to keep them from withdrawing from the world and hiding within themselves.
Gollan suggests finding activities that “promote a sense of accomplishment, reward or pleasure” to do with the person.
Also, try helping the person create exercise and proper eating routines. Increased endorphins from exercise and increased energy levels from proper eating can help turn a bad day into a better one.
Your support doesn’t need to come in the form of grand gestures—even just positive vibes and words of encouragement can make a difference. Serani suggests everything from sending a card or a text to cooking a meal. “These gestures provide a loving connection,” she said. “They’re also a beacon of light that helps guide your loved one when the darkness lifts.”
What you shouldn’t say:
It’s your own fault.
What you can say:
When this is all over, I’ll still be here and so will you.
6. Don’t judge or criticize
“You need to see things as half full, not half empty.”
“This is all in your head.” According to Serani, these words imply “that your loved one has a choice in how they feel,” therefore they have chosen to be depressed. These words, she said, are not only insensitive but can isolate your loved one even further.
What you shouldn’t say:
Aren’t you tired of all this “me, me, me” stuff?
What you can say:
I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself, so you don’t need to worry that your pain might hurt me.
7. Avoid “tough-love”
“Many individuals think that being tough on their loved one will undo their depression or inspire positive behavioral changes,” said Serani. Some tough love tactics could include intentional impatience, pushing their boundaries, silent treatments and ultimatums.
What you shouldn’t say:
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
What you can say:
Do you want a hug?
8. Don’t minimize their pain
“You’re too thin-skinned, too sensitive.”
“Why do you let every little thing bother you?”
According to Serani, these kinds of statements will only shame someone with depression. They are invalidating and make it seem as if their disorder is a weakness or personality flaw, rather than a serious mental illness.
What you shouldn’t say:
No one ever said life was fair or easy.
What you can say:
You’re important to me.
9. Don’t give advice
It’s natural to want to offer your loved one words of wisdom to help them heal and recover. You want your words to be the Band-Aid that stops their bleeding heart but, according to Serani, “while it may be true that the depressed person needs guidance, saying that will make them feel insulted or even more inadequate.”
It’s very important to understand that, even if you’ve read every single article and book ever written about depression, you will not fully understand what it is unless you’ve experienced it yourself—and even then, not everyone experiences depression the exact same way.
What you shouldn’t say:
Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days.
What you can say: I’m here for you. I’m here to support you, even if I don’t understand.
It is crucial for you to “Listen carefully for signs of hopelessness and pessimism, and don’t be afraid to call a treatment provider for help or even take them to the ER if their safety is in question,” said Gollan. Depression can lead to suicidal thoughts which could result in suicide. If you have any concerns or worries, don’t hesitate to contact a health professional or call one of the following numbers:
Suicide Prevention Center of Quebec: 1-866-277-3553/ 514-723-4000
Tel-Aide 514-935-1101