As women, there are many experiences we go through that bind us as a gender. One in particular happens to be our involuntary need to say “sorry” for things we have zero reason to be apologetic for. Some of you may remember Pantene’s campaign a few years ago in which they addressed the issue head on, showing clips of different scripted scenarios of grown women being apologetic for basically existing. Some of you may not be aware you even do this and to those of you I ask to remember your last public speaking encounter, not amongst your friends. Did you begin your sentence with “sorry?” According to some research, for most women, the answer is yes. In fact, one study in particular found that women do apologize more than men but not because they go through more scenarios in which an apology is warranted. In fact, the study found that for the duration of the experiment, there were no differences in the proportion of scenarios in which either gender had to apologize. Rather, what they found was that women simply felt that an apology was needed in more average circumstances than the men did. Apparently, men simply have a higher threshold of what they think they should be apologize-worthy than women do. So basically, this apology spree is a gender specific occurrence that we aren’t just imagining in our heads. That’s all fine and dandy but it begs the question: why does this happen?
According to an article published by the Child Mind Institute, this need to apologize is something instilled in women as little girls. Whereas both boys and girls are encouraged to be confident and ambitious in their behavior, it is only girls who are then given conditions to such behavior. One key condition that girls are given is to be aware of how they are perceived by others. Some of us may remember a time as children where we were taught that anyone can be a leader and yet, later, we were immediately scolded for being “bossy,” a term rarely applied to men. The CMI goes on to explain “girls and women are conditioned to be more attuned to—and responsible for—how their behavior affects others. This empathetic awareness complicates behaviors associated with success: winning, drive, and competition.” All these implied rules shape how girls act and perceive themselves in social situations.
If all this wasn’t terrible enough, it goes deeper than just saying sorry. The CMI also found that women will use qualifying terms to soften their statements (going back to that hyper-emphatic value we should all apparently focus on.) They’ve named this occurrence: “hedging.” According to the CMI, it isn’t “exactly apologizing, but still expressing a lack of confidence.” Examples would be starting a phrase with “I might be wrong, but…” and then going on to explain your point, which you’re probably aware is definitely not wrong.
So if all this is happening and we aren’t even really aware of it, what can we do to stop it? Well, essentially the solution is as simple as just being aware of our own actions. This isn’t to say that when you make a mistake or offend someone that you should hide behind your ego and refuse to acknowledge your faults. Rather, this is to say that as women, we have been raised in a systematically sexist society and unfortunately, no matter how open-minded and privileged our childhoods were and our social groups are, there are still some remnants that are bound to impact our thoughts. That’s okay. Acknowledging them and working to dismantle them is how we move on with our lives. Work hard, know your stuff, and don’t be sorry for having an opinion. The next time you send an email or speak up in class, be aware of how you phrase your sentence. Instead of saying, “Sorry, but I was wondering if we could change this because…”, go ahead and be assertive. Change it to something like, “I think we need to change this because…” After all, you know what you’re talking about just much as anyone else. Don’t be sorry for taking up space, you are allowed to do more than simply exist. We are seeing more boss ladies bringing their achievements to the forefront on social media and this helps as well. It always helps to see what we could be doing, what we could achieve, if we set ourselves down the path of success. One thing is for sure though, and that is that we need to master Beyoncé level pride and empowerment and that is the art of not being sorry.