I recently got out of a very serious relationship and did what any other millennial would do: I tried online dating. Having never done this before, I thought I would make a comprehensive guide of some of my experiences and what I learned. Dating is tricky enough as it is, and the electronic dimension adds a whole new level of complicated to the scene. I don’t claim to be an expert on dating apps and sites, let alone dating. All I can share is my experiences, and everyone’s experiences may be different.
1. Each app is different, and the stereotypes are often true.
Everyone’s heard Tinder called the “Hook-up” app, and that’s what most of the people on that site are there for. Most of the people on Tinder are also not people that you already know or have a mutual friend with. The benefit to Tinder is that it’s the go to app for dating, so there’s a larger selection pool than any of the other apps.
Coffee Meets Bagel is definitely more serious as it encourages users to learn about each individual match, or “bagel.” People are treated as people rather than swipes. Unlike Tinder, you can use filters to narrow your requirements, down to the specifications of ethnicity and height.
Hinge and Bumble use your network of Facebook friends to find a friend of a friend, or an actual friend. The idea behind this is that you already have some background or established connection with that person. There are significantly less people on these apps. Bumble also gives women the power (in heterosexual matches) as they have to message first. In non heterosexual matches, such as homosexual or bisexual, either of the parties can begin the message.
OK Cupid, the “serial killer” app, allows for much more freedom of messaging. It relies on percentages to try and match you with someone who’s survey questions most closely align with your own. BUT! Anyone can message you regardless of whether or not you have matched, which can lead to harassment quickly.
2. You will run into people you know.
Duh. You’re not the only one on the apps, and you are bound to run into people you know. I know there’s a lot of debate whether or not to try and match with people you know, but personally, I think it’s fun to strike up a conversation with a friendly face. At least you get a laugh out of it!
3. If someone looks too good to be true, they probably are.
You see a stunning man with flowing hair and rock solid body. His bio sounds perfect. This is probably a catfish. If the pictures are really high quality and the match looks too good to be true, it’s probably a catfish. People will sometimes scour the internet for models and use the pictures as their own.
4. There are a lot of people in relationships.
Cheating is defined differently by people. If you’re uncomfortable with talking or matching with someone from a dating app in a relationship, be wary. Some people see swiping or going on dates as harmless fun. Some people see using dating apps as acceptable outside of their partner’s knowledge. So try and establish early on whether or not the person that you’re talking to is in a relationship or not, and if you’re okay with that.
Another regular occurrence on the sites are couples. They’re looking for a friend or a three-way. Let’s be honest, it’s usually a three-way. If you’re cool with that, keep on. If not, don’t.
5. It’s a convenient way to find someone of a different sexual orientation.
I said in a previous article that I am straight. Sexuality is fluid. I’m not, so just getting that out of the way. Dating apps are a great way to meet bisexual, asexual, pansexual, trans, or gay people. Although it’s more socially accepted, it’s still hard to find someone in real life who is not heterosexual. You can easily set your filters to find “men” or “women” or “both.” It leaves little to no room for confusion!
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6. If you don’t get a message sent to you or a reply, you probably won’t hear from them.
People message if they’re genuinely interested. If they don’t, they’re not. It’s as simple as that. Don’t be discouraged though!
7. Shocker: Most people aren’t serial killers.
From the people that I’ve met, everyone is normal. Everyone is just trying to get by. Of course, there are the horror stories of serial killers, so these things do happen, but the vast majority of people are relatively normal.
8. Meetings are just as awkward as you’d expect them to be.
You may have talked to someone for an extended period of time online. You’ve seen their picture(s). You know what they allegedly look like. It’s bound to get weird; you’re usually guessing if the person standing outside a restaurant is your date or not because they sort of look like one picture of your date. It’s a guessing game. Then there’s the conversation. It’s going to be awkward talking verbally instead of text. You’re also bound to get asked if you meet dates often from the apps. “How many guys/girls/people have you met before?” or something along those lines.
9. If the conversation stops after a few days, it’s probably over.
As mentioned earlier, people talk with you if they’re interested. Conversations can lull, but if they stop talking for a few days to a week, they’re probably over it.
10. It’s a great way to make friends.
More than dates, I’ve actually made a lot of friends and connections from these apps. Sometimes, you’re just not romantically compatible with people, but you still think they’re cool. The good thing about this is that, most dating apps have a distance setting. That means your new friend lives relatively close for a game of pick up basketball. You might not even meet these people in real life; you might just make some nice internet friends or have a nice one time conversation. I met someone who just sends me pictures of his dog, and that’s it. You never know what you’ll find.
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11. Not everyone there is nice.
Catfishes are real. Cheaters are real. Harassment is real. There are dangers to using these apps that can’t be ignored. The truth is that the people on the other end of the connection do not know you, so they don’t really owe you anything.
12. There are some very interest specific dating sites.
It might sound silly but there are some sites and apps that are specifically geared towards different hobbies or ethnicities. These are a lot less mainstream and have a lot fewer people, but you can definitely find someone who floats your boat if you’re having a hard time finding what you like.
13. People are on multiple sites and apps.
People are curious. It’s not a lot of people, but you will see people on multiple apps or sites. Just make sure you’re consistent with your likes or dislikes so it doesn’t get weird!
14. Don’t give out your number right away.
This might sound like common sense, but a lot of the apps are terrible for sending messages. Most apps use Facebook as a fast set up, so if you give out your number out of frustration, you are essentially giving a window to your Facebook. Mobile Facebook users can utilize phone numbers to generate Facebook friend recommendations. If you’re not a hundred percent confident with your match, you might not want to do this right away.
Snapchat seems like a workaround for this problem since you don’t need a number to get in contact with someone. The only problem with this is the lack of permanence of the app. Messages disappear unless you save them, so it’s easy to forget what you were talking about. More importantly, unsolicited (and undesired) genitalia pictures will probably happen.
15. Establish what you’re looking for early on in the conversation.
Don’t waste your time or someone else’s. Figure out early on if the other people are looking for dates, hookups, friends, friends with benefits, or what not. This saves a lot of time and helps to prevent some miscommunication.
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16. Most people that do not have a biography are there for hook-ups.
If there’s just a picture and no description, this typically indicates that the person doesn’t want to share about their personal life. They’re also probably not interested in getting to know yours.
17. It’s easy to cut people out completely.
It’s a little bit sad, but most of the time, matches are not people you’ve met before. They’re usually friends of friends of friends, so you’ll likely never run into them. If it doesn’t work out, you probably won’t have to see or talk to them again.
18. Establish that you’re talking to who you think you’re talking to.
As I mentioned before, catfishes are real. If you want to make sure you’re not wasting your time, establish that the person you think you’re talking to is who you’re actually talking to. An easy trick is to ask your match to have a very unnatural, specific pose in a selfie.
19. Meet in public first.
Common sense, but sometimes your match has an excuse for why they can’t meet in public. Maybe their car is broken, and they can’t leave their house. You never know. If you do end up deciding to take the plunge and go to someone’s house or apartment on a first time meeting, be sure to let a close friend or confidant know where you are exactly. You can never be too safe.
20. It’s cool if it doesn’t work out.
A common phrase in the dating app bios is “Here for a fun time, not for a long time.” In other words, a lot of people are not looking for something serious, so don’t be too upset if it doesn’t work out how you hoped. Maybe you find your future spouse, but the truth of the matter is, a large amount of people on these apps aren’t in the market for that. There are plenty of fish in the sea!