Three Un-sexy "Sexy" Things Girls Wear

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1. Extreme push-up bras

I can understand a little boost of confidence, but Victoria’s Secret is starting to piss me off. Bras can now add up to two cup sizes. To put this in perspective for men, it is the same as stuffing two McDonald’s apple pies under each boob — the padding is literally that thick. As far as I’m concerned, women who want extra support should actually use the apple pies as stuffing to later console the men who eventually discover their false advertisement. Concealed lunchboxes aside, it looks fake as hell. Let’s be real, only Barbie has been blessed with those body proportions. But above all else, I think the most awkward thing about extreme push-up bras is the drastic difference between the daytime and nighttime look. Everyone is thinking it, but nobody asks, “Are your breasts nocturnal or something?”

2. Sky-high heels

In college, there is a large population that teeters around in tall heels every weekend.  If these girls were good at strutting around on stilts, they would be employed by a circus. Unfortunately, they are unemployed, unskilled, and stupid for wearing shoes they cannot walk in — that’s why they need college.

I have only a few questions for these artificial giants: how tall are they trying to be? Taller than the friends they are going out with? Than everyone at the party? Yao Ming? Whatever the competition, these girls lose a few inches by being hunched over any stable object within arm’s reach. The struggle reminds me of a baby giraffe's first steps, though it’s not nearly as cute. If these girls weren’t problem-inducing enough, they are also the ones who complain about all the “short” guys at the party.

3. Fake-looking fake eyelashes

I think Youtube’s makeup tutorial videos are to blame for the bastardization of the eyelashes to eyeball ratio. Some videos recommend girls wear, not one, not two, but three layers of fake eyelashes. Are human eyelids even strong enough to lift that? I could dust a house with those extravagant feathers. I experimented with fake eyelashes once where I lost the left lashes and glued the right ones too far above my real lashes (they could’ve passed as fake eyebrows). Needless to say, I went out that night with my natural lashes and unobstructed vision — and I wasn't complaining. Maybe I’m just bitter I haven’t mastered these spider leg extensions yet. Bottom line: girls should go easy on the falsies or they will risk looking like Snuffy from Sesame Street.

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About The Author

Connie is a professional and creative writing major at Carnegie Mellon University. She is currently obsessed with pole fitness, pumpkin bread, and '80s fashion.