Now that the “Season of Love” has come and gone with February 14th being crossed off of our collective calendar, we allow ourselves to go back to focusing on our lives without the concerns of not being in a relationship and being alone for the “Day of Love.” By now, we are all ready to look forward to Spring Break, which is so close that we can practically taste it. But for some, it’s difficult to ignore the nagging feeling that Valentine’s Day instilled, that this new state of single-hood feels scary and unfamiliar, due to just ending a long-term relationship.
For the past two and a half years, I’ve been able to enjoy countless Saturdays with my high school sweetheart and spend Anniversaries with my best friend. Our plans were never those obnoxiously gushy spectacles, but some time just spent enjoying each other’s company considering how grateful we are to have each other in our lives, whether it was a quiet movie night or a bowling double date.
However, some relationships were not meant to last forever. While we still loved each other, I graduated high school and made the transition from Maryland to Pittsburgh and he… stayed right where he was. My life changed completely after a 3-hour car ride, and his remained the same. After a few months apart, it was clear that we were no longer able to communicate effectively due to my leaving home. Long story short, by the time I returned home for winter broke, I had already come to terms with the fact that things had to end, that we were still in the relationship in name only.
When the time came to end it, I was scared- how do I end our relationship while still making it clear that I don’t want him out of my life? But, I was eventually able to muster up the courage to speak my mind. Our relationship ended amicably- both upset by the circumstances that lead to our break-up, but not upset with each other due to the reality that our break-up was inevitable.
I told myself that, upon returning to school, I’d be okay with my newly single status, that I would just enjoy time with my friends having fun without having to worry about being attacked to an inevitably-doomed relationship. And for a while, I was. When you fall asleep without receiving your usual goodnight text, you don’t notice too much as first. When you tell your friends and family that things didn’t work out, you don’t feel tears prickling your eyes, threatening to fall.
Over time, however, you begin to notice these things with finality to it. When you fail an exam and need someone to talk to while you cry, you find their contact in your phone before realizing that you can’t call them anymore. Every once in a while, late at night, when you’re simply spending time with your friends, their face will pop into your head and your heart will yearn for a time when it was them you were telling stupid puns to. You get really quiet and simply bask in the remembrance of the affection that the two of you shared. You begin to think back to how different things were in high school and how happy you were when you were with your significant other. You are broken from you reverie by your friends- you remember that you’re in college now. You start to notice that the time previously filled by your beloved needs to be filled by others. There’s no longer any Skype dates to attend to, so your walk down the hall to your friends, where they’re watching a RomCom and you sit there quietly trying not to think about your ex.
You think about texting them. You open your conversation, your fingers itching to type something, anything, just to be able to recover the dialogue the two of you used to exchange. But you’re at a loss. What is there to say?
“Hey”. Weak and transparent that you’re just fishing for a conversation
“How’s it going?” What, are we just trying to pretend the breakup didn’t happen?
“I miss you.” No, you know better than that.
While it may be true, you know for a fact that breaking up was the right thing to do. It sucks. Your relationship was great. And it is okay to recall it fondly and wish that things didn’t have to change. But they did. You ended things for a reason- a valid one. And it is going to take time until you are going to be able to talk to your ex again like the friends you were before your relationship. And until that time comes, it hurts a lot. More than you were expecting it to. It isn’t the kind of hurt that makes you want to break down into tears every 5 minutes. It is the kind of hurt that you feel in your heart when you can tell something is missing. You feel like something is missing when you’ve had a great day shopping with your friends, or you’re out at dinner and there’s an empty seat at the table. Eventually, these little missing things add up and manifest themselves in your head. Everyday, you try to ignore it and continue living as though nothing has changed, that you’re still okay with everything. You know you did the right thing. You don’t want to get back together. You just want them back in your life, in any capacity possible.
Without thinking, you pull your phone out- your fingers moving faster than your brain.
Sent: “Hey, how are you?” 4:51 p.m.