Sometimes movies are so bad they’re good. And other times, movies are just plain bad. In these cases, movie critics, furious from spending hours of their time watching a flaming trash pile, shed any pretense of politeness and rip the movie to shreds. For your amusement, here are twelve absolutely savage reviews on movies that received 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Stratton
“A stale espionage thriller that possesses all the pulse-pounding intrigue of waiting in line at the DMV.” – Michael Rechtshaffen
Precious Cargo
“You will be hard-pressed to remember anything about it even only a few minutes after watching it, which should come as a relief to everyone involved with its production.” – Peter Sobcyznski
Cabin Fever
“Who benefits from the existence of this film?” –Glen Kenny
Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
“Cameron’s preferred tool of engagement is a prybar, applied to your eyelids with an indelicate hand.” – John Serba
The Anomaly
“Admittedly, in director/star Noel Clarke’s low-budget sci-fi actioner, the acting and script do provoke surprise: both are so bad, you find yourself wondering if what’s unfolding is some kind of parody.” – Charlotte O’Sullivant
United Passions
“One of those rare films so unfathomably ghastly you could write a better one while sitting through its interminable 110 minutes.” – Tim Appelo
Pudsey the Dog: The Movie
“If you paid to see this, you would feel duty-bound to demand your money back; I saw it for free and still wanted a refund.” – Mark Kermode
Reclaim
“There are no twists or even surprises, except the final realization that director Alan White is taking his culturally clueless, ineptly shot B-movie totally seriously.” – Elizabeth Weitzman
Best Night Ever
“Anyone who can sit through the whole thing and smile approvingly afterward gets my sympathy, and also probably deserves some kind of award for delivering a performance more convincing than any ever seen in one of their films.” – Todd Gilchrist
Stranded
“Slater is supposed to be incredulous about the existence of the alien threat, but he mostly seems incredulous about the script.” – Ignatiy Vishnevetsky
The Knot
“The Knot finds a bumbling groomsman fishing for silver wedding bands in a diarrhea-filled toilet bowl. Viewers searching for moments of wit or insight … might relate.” – Guy Lodge
A Thousand Words
“A thousand words? Try two words: stay away.” – Kristal Cooper
So next time you get a harsh comment on an essay, just remember: at least you didn’t make one of these movies.