1. “Did you just wake up?”
What good can come from asking this? Best-case scenario is that I did just crawl out of bed, which explains the sloppy and exhausted appearance you’re probably referring to. But what if I didn’t? Because then you would have essentially greeted me with, “hey, let me guess why you look like crap.” Asking this question is about as rude as smelling someone and asking if they just took out the trash. The stakes are so high for such useless information. Unless you are about to ask me to pilot a Boeing X-32, why do you care if I am still sleepy-eyed? If you are trying to make small talk, find another muse — this question will only offend those of us who wear sweatpants outside the gym, which is not a crime, you know. It’s winter — give me a break.
2. “On a scale of 1 to 10, what do you think I am? Honestly.”
Do not ask me this, good friend. I will never rate you lower than a 6 because of my “kindness curve.” The sole fact that you are my friend means I could never bring myself to call you average. If you’re looking for honesty, ask a stranger. If you’re looking for some reassurance, I am here to remind you of all your great qualities. But, please, spare me the awkwardness of thinking about you as “hot or not.” I’m not Chatroulette. Plus, my scale is so skewed that my evaluation would be meaningless. Anderson Cooper is a solid ten, which means everyone else can hope for a low 8 at most. You just can’t compete with those worldly, blue eyes.
3. “Hey, are you up?”
I am now. I’d actually prefer if you just yelled “good morning” into my ear next time.
4. “Do you mind if I smoke?”
This is the most irritating way someone can approach the topic because it’s a lose-lose situation for a non-smoker. I can A) say that I do mind and look like a stubborn health snob or B) lie and try to hold my breath for ten minutes straight. Even if I say I don’t mind and walk away, it comes off as judgmental. I don’t care about other people’s lifestyles as long as they don’t affect mine, but tolerance is hard to convey while scurrying away from secondhand smoke like it’s the plague.
This uncomfortable situation could be easily avoided if the smokers would just excuse themselves, but no, I’m always put in the hot seat. Well, you know what? My rear end won’t tolerate the burning anymore, so the next time I’m asked this question, I will reply with an equally unreasonable one: “Do you mind if I poop? Because I cannot think of a more appropriate time or place to do so than right now, right here in front of you. I will not politely excuse myself like a civilized human being and I will not think twice about the potential health repercussions it will have on you. So you go smoke, I’ll do my business, and we can call it even. But before you leave, do you mind if I borrow your lighter?”
5. “Are you dating anyone?”
Thank you for bringing my loneliness to the forefront once again. As if my cold bed was not enough of a daily reminder, you have directed the entire conversation toward my absolute solitude. “No, I am still alone. Would you also like to ask about the nonexistent job I have lined up after graduation?”
The only time it is acceptable to ask about relationship statuses (or employment statuses, for that matter) is when it is followed by some type of appealing offer, such as a romantic set-up or a job opportunity — or better yet, romantic set-up that leads into a job opportunity (gotta climb that corporate ladder somehow — kidding, though flirting in the copy room never killed anybody).
If you have no opportunities for me but are still curious about all the sex I am not having, then at least buy me dinner when you ask about my love life — single people love eating our feelings and it’s not like anyone else is going to cook for us (then again, I guess you don’t have to cook Ben & Jerry’s).