Before him, I had never said the words, “I love you,” out loud to anyone; aside from my family and friends. When I finally got the chance, I had also never felt those words the way I did in that moment.
Sometimes, love can be disappointing. After all, it’s a human emotion, and humans are flawed — they disappoint you. Right now it’s hard to articulate my feelings, but if I had to choose just one, it would be disappointment.
We dated for over a year. At times I was cautious to include him in my hypothetical future, life after college, etcetera, but he always included me in his. He spoke about it with such conviction and affirmation; I began to see my future as “our” future. I think that’s why his decision stings so deep.
This past weekend he told me that he needs to re-prioritize his time, and that ultimately I was no longer a part of that list. Personally, I believe that when life becomes difficult or confusing, you should be able to pull the person you love closer and lean on them for extra support. It deeply saddens me that when the person I chose to love felt pressure, his thought process became the opposite.
For the better part of the next two days, I racked my brain for answers as to what I could have done differently to make our relationship seem like a necessity to him, instead of a burden.
I have come to the conclusion that there is probably a whole host of things I could have done differently to prolong our relationship, but I’m fairly certain that the outcome would remain unchanged. He’s unhappy. Not just unhappy with the relationship, but he is unhappy with who he has been, and that is not something I can alter.
I didn’t think I would be single again. I didn’t think I wanted to be single again, but being able to step back and reexamine this part of my life has been a blessing. I truly would not change the time I spent with him because dating is experimental. Through dating, you get to identify the characteristics that you like, or more importantly need, in a person. I know now that I need to find stability through contentment, and joy.