What’s your biggest fear? Spiders? The dark? Your GPA? Well, mine is being alone—and I’m not the only one. A 2014 study found that 40 percent of women and 35 percent of men fear being alone. I mean, it makes sense. We’re biologically and evolutionarily wired to find the right partner and reproduce. The issue is that people are entering into relationships that aren’t healthy or don’t allow them to be their whole selves simply to avoid being alone. I’m guilty of this as well. It’s hard to lie alone in bed every night wanting nothing more than to be held or to have someone to whisper to in the dark. And sometimes, people fill this void by being overly social and spending all of their time with other people because when we aren’t physically alone, it’s harder to feel emotionally alone. But I’ve learned that sometimes it’s necessary to spend time in complete solitude, and I’ve learned that sometimes, learning to enjoy alone time can teach us a lot about ourselves.
The first thing I learned about myself by spending time alone was what I was passionate about. When I didn’t have anyone else telling me what to do with my time—when I didn’t have homework, social plans or classes—I figured out what I like doing. For me, that was reading, writing, playing piano and listening to music. For you, it could be drawing, going for walks, watching TV shows or finding new music. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re learning what it is that you like to do.
Being alone, or more specifically enjoying being alone, also leads to greater self-esteem. When you can enjoy your own company and not desire the company of others, you start to see the good things about yourself and you recognize why other people enjoy your company, which boosts your self-esteem. And along with increased self-esteem, alone time leads to increased self-awareness.
When you spend time alone without outside influence, you can really hone in on your emotional well-being. When we surround ourselves with other people, we are constantly subconsciously trying to evaluate and cater to other people’s emotions and therefore are prone to ignore our own. When the only emotions you have to focus on are your own, it’s much easier to recognize your emotions and recognize what it is that your emotional self needs.
Lastly, and in my opinion most importantly, you will gain independence and stop seeking validation from outside sources. The more time you spend alone, the more likely you will be able to go to a restaurant, a movie theater or the mall alone without feeling uncomfortable. And soon, you will learn that everything you need is already inside yourself. Once you realize that you do not need anyone else for your own happiness or your own functionality, you will feel a sense of freedom that I cannot begin to describe. Keep in mind that learning to enjoy being alone is a process—a process that even I am still working on—and it will take time. So don’t be discouraged if the first time you force yourself to spend time alone, all you can think about is how you wish you were with someone else. That will subside sooner or later. All that matters right now is that you try. The rest will follow.