There are few things worse in college than the once-a-week, three-hour lecture. They’re interminable and inter-sucky.
1. The Pre-Class Motivation Stage
I can do this! I will get through these three hours that seemingly never end and pay only the most attention! I will do good! I will not fade!
2. The 5 Minutes In Hopes
Oh, maybe I was being dramatic last week. This isn’t that bad! I’ve made it through five whole minutes! I only have to make it through five minutes 35 more times! I will not only survive, but I will thrive!!!
3. The 20 Minute Doubts
Okay, maybe this is just as boring as I remembered it being. But nevertheless, mind over matter. I can do this!
4. The 45 Minute Fade
This isn’t as boring as I remembered; it’s more boring than I remembered! At this point, death would almost be less painful.
5. The Hour In Quit
Only an hour in??? How is this possible? I’m pretty sure that I’ve aged at least ten years in the last ten minutes alone. Also, this lecture on basic financial accounting theory is going straight over my head.
6. The “Aren’t We Taking a Break???” Peak
You look around, and you see everyone else perking up too. The professor is nearing the end of a topic. This might be it; this might be it…Oh please for the love of Chris Hemsworth, please please stop for 10 minutes. Puhlease. On the bright side, I’m hanging onto her every word, analyzing deeply for the sounds of retreat.
7. The “We Aren’t Taking a Break???” Dive
OK, well we’ve passed the halfway point, and the professor has launched herself into an entirely new subtopic of the ever-fascinating theory of accounting, and all hope of a break is out the window, similar to my chances of doing well in this class.
8. The An Hour and 35 Minutes Has Gone by Acceptance of Defeat
There is definitely no way that she is taking a break. Well, frick. There’s no way that even if I tried to follow along that I would be able to catch up. I might as well give up and continue daydreaming about this class ending then hope for the best next week.
9. The Hour and 36 Minutes Has Gone by Denial
You’re telling me that only ONE MINUTE has passed in the last 35 minutes of my agony? How is this possible? This should be illegal. I’ve been zoning out for the last 35 minutes but only one minute has passed???
10. The Two Hour Check Point
Somehow, we’ve made it two hours. Or ⅔ of the way there. Or 66.66%. Or only 12 more sets of 5 minutes. Yes, I have time to calculate all this because it is easier than this accounting theory calculation.
11. The End is Near Glimmer of Hope
If we’re lucky, we might get out early!!! After all, we didn’t take a break! There’s no way that the prof can keep talking for the next hour!
12. The “Yes, the professor can and will continue to talk for the next hour” Defeat
Oh yes she can. Fuck. She shows no mercy and no signs of relenting up her time.
13. The Acceptance That You Weren’t Made Out for Three-Hour Lectures
I’m never taking a three-hour lecture again! I am just not made for this. It really isn’t my fault that I can’t concentrate. This just isn’t my thing.
14. The Acceptance That You Weren’t Made Out for College
Okay, but what if college just isn’t my thing? Maybe I’m not fit for any of this? What if my career demands that I perfectly recite this strange formula, and I didn’t catch it just now? Maybe I am the problem.
15. The “Ten Minutes Left” Hope
Okay somehow by the grace of a higher being, I have made it to the final home stretch. I’m not sure how I did it, but here I am! I did it! I may not have learned anything, but I MADE IT.
16. Three Hours Have Passed!!!! Stage
CLASS IS OVER!!!!!!! But the professor is still talking? This is certainly illegal. Most definitely illegal.
17. The Release
You never saw so much energy in your life. YOU ARE FREEEE!!!