It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
Ah, February,
We meet again. I knew you were coming, yet I’m still never quite prepared for the calendar day. February 1st. I have violent reactions. I can’t be held accountable.
Sometimes, we can’t see the error of our ways until someone helps us gain a new perspective. February, though you have wronged me, I am here to be your guide. I can help you find the light, so you can stop being a hateful vessel of darkness—and you can stop dragging us all down with you. Sit down and take notes, February. I’m not feeling particularly tolerant today.
1. You are very cold.
What the hell is up with this? March has been known to grace us with some reasonable temps and sunshine. January brings us promise of a new year and new adventures, and we are so busy resolutioning that we barely notice we’ve lost feeling in our appendages. But you? Just because some groundhog sees his shadow you’re gonna let winter win the fight? I’m not going to blame Punxsutawney. He’s smaller than you, February, and you are not a team player. SMH.
2. Speaking of resolutions….
Aren’t these gym resolutioners supposed to give up by now? It’s been a month! I JUST WANT MY FAVORITE TREADMILL BACK.
3. You are hard to spell.
Seriously, no one has ever spelled February without losing brain cells. I had to get a “February” tattoo on my hand to be able to successfully write this article. Also, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO PRONOUNCE YOU? ARE THERE RULES ABOUT THIS? Kindergartners everywhere hate you, and I love them for that.
4. You are an entire month away from spring break.
You know what’s fun? Planning spring break. You know what else is fun? Going on your spring break trip. You know what’s not fun? Waiting an entire month after you plan your trip before you are allowed to go on it.
5. Speaking of spring break, you require me to diet.
The entire month is a battle between visualizing myself looking killer in my spring break photos and visualizing myself housing a large froyo with rainbow sprinkles. You do not know how much I love froyo with rainbow sprinkles. Take how much I hate you, February, and change hate to love. Then multiply by 40 zillion. The resulting quantity is maybe a quarter as much as I love froyo with rainbow sprinkles.
6. You provide me with no legitimate holidays, and therefore no excuses to binge eat/not be in class/wear a onesie all day.
I love my onesie, February, but society judges those out and about in furry-hooded footie pajamas. I’m rooting for this one to become acceptable in 2015. Holidays=Merry Onesies To All, And To All A Good Night.
7. Did I mention you contain NO LEGITIMATE HOLIDAYS.
President’s Day is Monday, February 16th. Now that I’ve said that and no one cares, moving on…
8. Valentine’s Day
This is not a holiday and it’s terrible for everyone. If you are single it is terrible for obvious reasons. If you are in a relationship it is terrible because you are obligated to spend money on ridiculous things on some arbitrary day smack dab in the middle of the worst month of the year. If you are me it is terrible because dark chocolate is practically free and I love dark chocolate almost as much as froyo AND SPRING BREAK IS STILL THREE WEEKS AWAY, FEBRUARY. If you are anyone with eyesight and without color blindness, you are forcefully exposed to an unholy amount of red and pink. No one should ever have to see that much red and pink. Surgeons don’t even see that much red and pink. Someone please stop this.
9. Cupid
I’ve decided to make this a separate point, because (1) babies don’t fly, (2) what does this even mean??…and (3) LITERALLY WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? Why didn’t you fight this branding? This is what represents you, February. A naked, fictional infant with wings and a bow and arrow. I hope you’re happy.
10. Leap Years
To be clear, my favorite thing about you, February, is that you only last 28 days. Let’s all take a moment and have a drink about that. #yes.
Now, imagine my displeasure when ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS YOU HAVE AN EXTRA DAY. No. No way. I don’t get an extra day of the week when I want it. I don’t get an extra hour of sleep when I want it. I don’t get an extra year of college when I want it. So, you most certainly do not get to add another day of being terrible to your godforsaken month.
Leave the weak alone and change your ways, February, before someone gets hurt (me)(every day). I promise no one would miss you if the calendar jumped from January to March. #leapmonths #lifegoals
I’ll forward you my counseling bill. Thanks for being THE ABSOLUTE worst.
Sincerely depressed,
Sydney