Pumpkin spice lattes are back — and as a hashtag no less. (Really, #PSL? We’re going to do this now?) “Fall fashion” is dominating my Pinterest home page. Planning outfits for tailgating is on the weekly agenda.
Holiday candles are on sale at Bath & Body Works (hey, there’s a pumpkin-themed item to which I have no objections).
The evidence is all here, and it’s time to face the facts: Wifey Season is upon us once again. If you are happily in a relationship, run away from this article and giddily into the arms of your lover.
If, however, you are more single than Samantha Jones in the majority of Sex and the City, fear not — you are twenty, flirty and thriving and come rain, cold or another Snow-pocalypse, the changing of seasons can’t tie you down. Welcome to the jungle.
Survival element one: Choose a theme song. “Tie Me Down” by Ray J is a great option for those with simple tastes. Looking for something with a little more aggression? Go for “Can’t Be Tamed,” by Miley Cyrus (pre-foam finger stage…does that make it vintage?)
If you’re a little put off by Miley in general, I sympathize, and offer you another prolific source of wisdom: “Baddest Bitch,” by the baddest bitch herself, Onika Tanya Maraj (Nicki Minaj, for those unfamiliar). I’m not going to delve into all the options provided by Beyoncé’s lifelong collection, but use your resources and turn that song up looouuuud.
Survival element two: Keep your friends close, and your enemies far away. Yes, your ex is your enemy, no matter how good of terms you two might be on. One trek through the cold to a class you hate at 8 a.m. and your fingers have a mind of their own—DO NOT TEXT HIM TO SEE IF HE WANTS TO WATCH A MOVIE TONIGHT.
Pick your best friend’s number instead, meet her for coffee and decide which outfit will allow you to keep the warmest while wearing the fewest articles of clothing for your night out.
Survival element three: Coffee. Learn to love it if you don’t already. Drink it 3 to 4 times a day. Need something to look forward to today? Fantasize about which creamer you’re going to use in your afternoon mug. Need an energy boost to make it to the bars after a cold, homework-filled evening? Baileys and coffee is a perfectly acceptable post-dinner drink. Some might even call it classy.
Wishing you had someone to keep you warm at night? Just fall asleep dreaming about that steaming, hot mug of goodness that will always be pre-set and waiting for you in the morning.
Survival element four: Treat yoself. Who could be better at spoiling you than yourself? Channel your inner Wifey and use it to make yourself the happiest girl in all the land.
Appropriate “treats” include an extra night out a week, a warm, gooey cookie with hot chocolate, binge shopping, sleeping through your morning class, getting a pedicure, buying those new boots you can’t afford, increasing your scarf collection to the point of tragic excess, etc. Treat and repeat as needed.
Survival element five: Stay active! While your wifed-up friends are enjoying warm cuddle sessions and take-out in bed, you are a woman uninhibited. Bundle up and make your way to the gym for a Saturday sweat sesh that’ll warm you right up. Go for a walk with a friend (just remember to wear mittens)!
Train for a triathlon or test out hot yoga. Keep your summer body kickin’ through the bone of winter and make no apologies for Tip Toe Wing in Your Skinniest Jeanz—or your Jawwdinz, for that matter.
I gift you these survival tips and my best wishes—the rest is in your very capable hands. Just remember: Wifey Season culminates with Breakup Season. Yes, we’re looking at you, Spring Break.
Stay warm out there and ~May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor~