It’s Valentine’s Day. Cue the Taylor Swift playlists and dust off your collection of chick flicks. Though love is indeed magical and deserves to be celebrated, this holiday can be lonely for those without a special someone. But quit your whinin’, because with my help, you can have a boyfriend of your own in only seven steps, just in time for February 14.
1. Pick your prey
Set your eye on a target. This could be a cute boy in one of your classes, a guy friend you’ve been crushing on forever, maybe even a complete stranger. There’s a ton of nice, attractive and friendly boys out there — the world is your oyster.
2. Hit up social media
As soon as you know his name, you’re pretty much golden. Almost everyone this day and age has an online presence. Like every Instagram photo, comment on his oldest profile picture on Facebook and favorite every one of his tweets on Twitter. It’s not creepy; it’s dedication.
3. Stalking time
Time to channel your inner Olivia Benson from “Law and Order: SVU.” Find out where he lives and follow him around for an entire day. Memorize his schedule so you know where he is at all times. Keep your eyes on the prize, ladies.
4. Confrontation
Skip the small talk; it’s time to seduce him. Confront him while on your stalking route. Tell him how it was love at first sight, and ask him to go to dinner with you. Try adding a sexy wink after your proposal. Maybe even some pouty lips.
5. Date Night
Hopefully, your man will have agreed to go out to dinner to you. Break the ice by sharing your deepest secrets and dreams: How you’re lactose intolerant and fart whenever you eat chocolate, or how your lifelong aspiration is to own 20 cats.
6. Withdraw
HALT. I know you’re totally into this guy. Good news is if you’ve followed these steps, he probably is really into you, too. Now it’s time to play the hard-to-get card. Intersect paths with him as much as you can, but don’t acknowledge him. He’ll be craving for your attention.
7. Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner.
Today’s the big day. Wear a dress made of rose petals, get down on one knee and ask him to be your one and only. After he says yes and you embrace, climb up on Musty the Mustang and parade around campus, showing everyone your true devotion for each other.
If this foolproof seven-step plan doesn’t work, you can always borrow my life-size cardboard cutout of Harry Styles. May the odds be ever in your favor, my young cupids.