Girl world is just about as mysterious as the chicken in the Taco Bell quesadillas; it looks so good but holds so many secrets at the same time. Just as I have found myself questioning Taco Bell’s chicken on multiple occasions, I can only imagine that boys do just the same when their girlfriends go home for the night. What do we do when we are all alone or with our friends? Let the unknown be officially known, boys. Here are the answers to all of your burning curiosities.
1.) Pee with the door open
What? I don’t want to miss a single second of the final rose ceremony on the Bachelor. Plus, my toilet has a prime view of the T.V.
2.) Re-adjust the “ladies”
Guys, imagine having a giant pair of balls on your chest….when they flop out of place they need to be fixed, right? Sometimes the girls need a little lift and tuck! Nothing says “I’m ready to conquer the world” like a pair of freshly plumped and perked boobs.
3.) Check Out Other Girls
Of course we do, but for different reasons than you guys do. It’s more along the lines of, “how come she can wear a baseball cap and look adorable, but when I do I look like a trucker that goes by the name of Butch? And, “there is no freakin’ way her hair is real. She just twerked for three hours and it hasn’t moved…” And yeah, I’ll say it- “Her.Butt.Is.Perfect.”
4.) Drop the Kids Off at the Pool
Remember that book, Everybody Poops? Well it turns out, it’s true. Guys seem to have some weird notion that girls just don’t poop. Sorry boys, we do. In fact, we think of any excuse in the book to get you out of our house just so we can poop in peace- and yes, we even catch up on our Twitter feed and Instagram while we do so. Sorry ‘bout it.
5.) Skip a leg shave…or two…or three
Look, razor heads are expensive and my time is precious. If I don’t have to shave, there is a very good chance that I won’t. Until I can be mistaken for a caveman or summer rolls around, I am letting my leg hair flow free…and I won’t even feel bad about it.
6.) Take Selfies
#nofilter #nomakeup #justwokeup. Behold, the three biggest lies in girl world. Yes, we did edit with every possible color filter to make us look tan and our teeth piercingly white. Yes, we are wearing makeup. And no, we did not just wake up. Instagram and the Macbook photo booth are quite possibly the worst things for a girl’s vanity. I’m sorry, but if I am having a good hair day, I want the entire world to know. #goodhairday.
7.) Look as Publicly Indecent as Possible
Bras and pants are man’s worst invention. Ever. The second that door closes behind me when I get home from class, the pants drop and the bra comes off. There is no one to impress, so I’m even going to throw my hair in that awful top-of-the-head bun and wear those Limited Too monkey pajama pants from 7th grade that are ripped multiple times in the crotch. Sorry boys, we can’t look good all the time.
8.) Skip showers
I want to take a quick minute to thank God for dry shampoo, baseball caps and Bath & Body works body spray. If it wasn’t for these three things, I would probably look homeless a solid five days out of the week. When it comes to prioritizing things in life, showers usually fall somewhere between color coordinating my underwear drawer and reading the iTunes terms of agreement. Sometimes they just aren’t necessary and a waste of valuable time. If I’m not going somewhere where my physical appearance will be documented on Facebook, then I will probably just save that shower for another day. On the plus side, letting my hair get greasy makes it so much softer when I finally do decide to wash it.
9.) Recycle Clothes
If they don’t have any weird stains and can be freshened up with a couple of perfume spritzes, you best believe that yesterday’s leggings will be worn today, tomorrow, and probably a day or two after that.
10.) Eat…eat…and then eat some more
Listen boys, when it comes to food, girls can pack it away for days. Don’t let those girls that gingerly sip on sparkling water to wash down their four celery sticks fool you. They could eat an entire box of Oreos in one night and have probably done it on multiple occasions. They will never admit to it, and I don’t blame them, because no sane girl would. When our roommates come home and ask where their Doritos went, we may something like “I don’t know where they went, that’s so weird.” Nope. I know exactly what happened to them. I ate them.