I’m in a long-distance, interracial, interfaith relationship.
You might say we have a lot going against us.
As a desi woman, I never imagined I would be in this relationship. I worked very hard to make up every excuse as to not be with the man that I now cannot imagine my future without. I knew that I would most likely agree to an arranged marriage when the time came around and that was totally acceptable to me. My life would be content. But things never quite work out the way we envision them, do they?
I met him when I was 16 and instantly developed a crush on him. He grated on my every last nerve, he was infuriating and outperformed me in every STEM class we had together. But he always encouraged me to achieve whatever it was that I wanted. I walked away from our (many) debates feeling either fortified in my opinion or entertaining a whole new perspective. He challenged me in ways I’d never been challenged before. He intellectually stimulated me… and it didn’t hurt that I thought he was the most attractive male I’d ever laid eyes on in real life. But it was just a crush… or at least, that’s what I told myself. I would get over it eventually.
I never did. We remained friends past graduation, talking practically every day, visiting occasionally and constantly learning and growing together, despite the distance college had put between us. And that small crush I’d developed when I was 16 had blossomed into a deep soul connection that was now impossible to shake. When I finally realized what had happened, I knew I was screwed.
In Islam, it’s expressly forbidden for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man (See Quran 60:10 for reference). For her to enter a relationship with a man not of Islamic faith strips her of her label as a Muslim woman. Muslim men, on the other hand, are allowed to marry women non-believers.
It’s a double standard that has slowly set my blood to boil and teeth on edge since first learning about it.
Coming to terms with the fact that I love a white man while still keeping true to my faith has been a long and arduous journey. One of the biggest struggles of my life has been dating this wonderfully complex, multidimensional (but mostly ridiculous) man and, God bless his soul, he has been so patient throughout my entire journey of accepting us. Being with him has taught me a lot: about perseverance, about trust, and faith. But mostly about love.
I’ve come to learn that it takes a lot of courage to love freely – especially when your entire world is screaming at you at how wrong you are. The stereotypes are annoying. The Huffington Post even has published articles on why you should think twice before entering an interfaith relationship. People are quick to judge when they hear I’m dating “that white boy.” It’s almost become an expletive, a taboo and dirty phrase. My relationship with a white man is considered shameful. It’s seen as an abnormality and a betrayal of both my culture and my faith. I’ve been accused of not loving myself enough, of not loving my roots and my culture at all. I’ve been told that I’m merely going through an “identity crisis.” Friends have cited me as the product of colonization; a prime textbook example of internalized racism.
I am extremely proud of my heritage, faith, language and culture. Desi fashion is the height of all fashion in my opinion. I speak Bangla at home with my parents, and with my grandparents. My comfort foods are all traditional dishes. I am extremely proud to carry myself Muslim in a society that spews Islamophobia at every turn. Ramadan is, hands-down, my favorite time of the year. Yet because of my relationship with a white man, everything ceases to matter.
It’s almost ironic, that it’s only been through him that my faith has been reaffirmed. Sure, he’s Catholic. And yes, I’m Muslim. The two faiths are expected to mix as well as oil and water, but I’ve come to find that the core values that my boyfriend and I share, we learned through our faiths.
So yes, there is a lot going against us. There’s a lot we still have to work through. But he’s made me realize that every obstacle we face was engineered specifically for us. And that we have also been given every single tool we need to overcome it… us.