“How many people have you done the dirty with?”
It’s a classic conversation we’ve all had with our friends at one point or another. Maybe we’ve lied for fear of being judged, or maybe we’ve felt comfortable enough to be honest, but regardless, our sex number is something upon which our culture places a certain weight. Our generation is notoriously known for perpetuating a culture in which sex is (seemingly) casual and carefree. Sources from Elite Daily to Trainwreck have capitalized on the hookup scene, celebrating sexual liberation as something that should be talked about and enjoyed by all.
But although our generation has a history of maintaining an open and honest conversation about sex, studies show that Millennials are actually having less sex than previous generations. According to the Washington Post, Millennials will sleep with an average of eight partners in their lifetimes. Compared to our parents, who’ve slept with an average of ten people (we know, it’s not a pretty image), our generation appears to be more selective. But to what extent should our sex number alter the way we perceive others and ourselves?
We asked Bucknell women whether or not their personal sex numbers mattered to them, and we found that their responses were mixed. While some women choose to keep their sex numbers private, our survey showed that most women do, to some extent, care about how many people they’ve slept with.
“It personally does matter to me because sex is important to me,” one respondent said. “I feel that our culture has devalued the meaning of sex, and I personally still want to have something that shows I care about someone and that this person is important to me.”
By contrast, another woman reported that sex number matters “to an extent…only because people put such an emphasis on it. I wouldn’t feel bad about my number if people didn’t make it seem like my number was ridiculous.”
When it comes to sex, our culture fosters a messy paradox. While we are sexually liberated and proud of our sexuality, we also feel constrained by the number of people we’ve chosen to sleep with. To a certain level, whether we choose to expose this number or not, the amount of people that we have had sex with is thought to be a part of our identities.
“I feel weird disclosing how many people I have slept with for the fear of judgment – negative and/or positive,” said one collegiette.
This survey showed that often times, the perception of one’s number is more important than the number itself. There seemed to be an emotional reaction to each number, good or bad, depending on the person. As one collegiette responded, “I do find myself speculating how a guy would perceive a girl in different ways if her ‘number’ is high or low.”
However, some women think that their sex numbers do not affect who they are as people. “My moral compass is not between my thighs – it is in my brain,” said one respondent. “The number of people I’ve slept with has nothing to do with my capacity for intelligence or kindness. Anyone who thinks otherwise is not someone whose opinion I would value.”
Yet, as we acknowledge the significance that sex numbers hold in our culture, what you take away from your sexual encounters can be more than just a number. Sex is an emotional and learning experience that extends beyond a numerical value, as one response showed: “As I have racked up my number over college, I have come to create a certain standard for what I want from these encounters.”
Whether your partner was someone you met that night or someone you’ve been in a long-term relationship with, sex helps us learn about what we want, what we don’t want, and who we are. Person number four doesn’t have to just be another tick on your bedpost – when done safely and consensually, every sexual experience is unique, and it’s up to you to find meaning in your number.