If you’re anything like me, hearing Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry” when it first came out 10 years ago was a bit of an unnerving experience. At the ripe age of 10, I remember having 2 major takeaways from listening to that song. First, “I guess I’m not a big girl because I do, indeed, cry.” And second, “I guess I probably won’t ever be a big girl because I can’t imagine never crying again.”
Sure enough, it is a proven fact that Fergie was wrong. Big girls do cry, and so do small girls and medium girls and girls of every other size imaginable. In fact, everyone cries. Crying is a very healthy, human thing to do. Still, although crying is normal and sometimes even enjoyable, one does not typically decide when we to do it.
Sometimes you’re lucky and the waterworks start in a safe, comfortable environment like in your bedroom while you’re alone or with your loving mother. But other times, you don’t hit the jackpot of crying sites. Maybe you’re on a quiet floor of the library with Spotify on shuffle when all of the sudden, you’re listening to that one song that always makes you tragically homesick for your high school friends. Maybe you’re sitting in class, scrolling on your phone under your desk, when you read an email informing you that you did not land your dream internship. Or maybe you’re just at Giant and you had 3 exams today and it’s snowing outside and winter is so long and your favorite chocolate bar is out of stock.
Whatever the reason, PDS (public display of sadness) is completely unpreventable. Nonetheless, there are several measures one can take before, during, and after crying in order to make the situation as tolerable as possible.
Pre-Cry
1. Let it happen. If you don’t, you’ll either end up make super weird noises or having an even more intense cry later on. Tears refuse to go unnoticed.
2. Remove yourself from the public space as much as possible, immediately. An ideal relocation site is usually along the lines of a bathroom stall, a parked car (that belongs to you or a close friend), a cubicle, or an empty (but safe) side street. Use your judgment, taking time and location into account. If you’re speaking with someone, casually say you’ll be right back.
Mid-Cry
1. Let your emotions take the reigns. This should be easy. Remember that you literally came out of the womb knowing how to cry.
2. Breathe. Seriously, breathe.
3. If you have tissues nearby (or T.P. if you ended up in a bathroom stall), use them. Every crying person could use a tissue.
4. Try to focus only on the original trigger of your tears. Do your best not to think about global warming, world hunger, death of a close friend or family member, or sick puppies. Once one begins crying, one has the tendency to start contemplating everything else that’s wrong with the world. Try to save these issues for a time when you’re not in public.
Post-Cry
1. Continue breathing.
2. Blow your nose one last, hefty time.
3. Find a mirror or use your selfie camera to assess the damage on your face. If needed, dab with a tissue under your eyes to remove eye makeup streaks.
4. If your crying site has access to running water, gently pat cold water under your your eyes, behind your neck, and on your wrists. This will cool down any remnants of a hot mess.
5. Return to public. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Don’t wait for every single splotch to disappear.
6. If someone asks if you were just crying, either go with a solid “Yup! I’m good!” and walk away, or make up a far-fetched and most likely unconvincing excuse. Feel free to try “allergy season”, “Great Lake wind chill really got to me on my walk here”, or “I was just cutting onions”. No matter what you choose to say, the asking person already knows you were just crying and if anything, they feel for you because they are human and they know that big girls do cry.